Jane's Aire

Another try...

2011-07-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still working on getting the hang of making a dvd. Thank you again, Michael! (He came over today and tutored me again.) These are the same pictures from 4th of July, but this time with music and "stuff." Another experiment, figuring out how to make it the right length to fit the music to the pics, etc. A lot of the pictures are not great, and there's no real ending, etc. But, it worked, so I accomplished my goal.

Now I have to work on putting a real project together. You know, with a beginning, middle, and end. With a point. Other than just looking at these adorable grandchildren. Hmmmm, come to think of it, do I really NEED any more reason than that?

Well, after looking at this, I just realized that it's only the slide show, not the whole dvd. But, you get the idea (Erin--you're probably the only one looking at it anyway).

Babies!

2011-07-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

One:

Okay, so Michael came over today and showed me how to do some stuff with my pictures. I feel foolish that I've had this computer, with this capability (and much more) for two years now, and have never even tried to do this. Of course, I guess I really haven't had the time until the last couple of months, have I? I've spent, now, probably 5 hours today on this. The latest thing I did was upload it to YouTube so that I could share it with a few people. But, I think the music did not load with it. Don't know why. Still gonna be working on that, I guess. Thanks Michael!!!

Two:

I found out that YouTube won't let me upload it with the music attached, because of those pesky copyright issues. (I guess I should just compose my own music? I don't think so.) Soooo, I'm attempting to upload the video directly here. We'll see how that works.

Three:

Here's the video, WITH the music (I hope). Please remember, this is just a first attempt, trying out different things, etc., with no real overriding theme or plan. The next one will be LOTS better, at least that's my hope at this point.

Hoping this works. All I have to say is now I've found yet another way to spend (waste?) my time. Not that I needed one. Oh wait, how can it be wasted time if I'm enjoying it so much! Isn't that what this whole retirement thing is about? Oh don't I just love the R-word!!!

How many shots does it take?

2011-07-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

For the 4th of July, Erin & Jeff brought the kids over for fireworks (still legal here). My goal for the day, besides the fireworks, was to get a good (dare I ask for great?) picture of the three kids together.

I started out with just the boys. Thought I'd get one of them together before we added Kayla. Such sillies!

I especially love these faces. This was after we'd reminded them to just sit still and look natural, that I just wanted one "good" picture!

Then we put Kayla in the chair with them. She wore her new 4th of July dress that I had just finished that morning, and I wanted a picture of her modeling it.

So, we added her to the group...

That was it. She was done! So, photo shoot plans on hold, just waiting for another opportunity.
Later on, we noticed they were all together, looking cute, and decided to try again...

Got a kind of good one of Kayla in the dress.

So, here we are again. Trying again for that "perfect" shot...

Now that I'm looking at them again, this is probably the closest to what I had in mind. Not quite, though, but almost...

Turn around Kayla... Look at Dad.

Tyler was hanging in there, but starting to look kind of sick of the whole thing.

Kayla: "Okay, I'm done again. I'm outta here!"

The funny thing is, I wasn't very happy about these pics yesterday, kept thinking about that "perfect" one I wasn't getting. But now, as I look at them again, I kinda love 'em. I'm just grateful for digital photography. At least I can just keep on clicking away in the pursuit.

So how many pictures did I shoot to get that perfect one? Apparently, not quite enough. But I'll get that perfect shot some day. I know I will. I know it.

RIP Cocoa (3/1/1997 - 4/24/2011)

2011-04-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Cocoa - then and now. When we first knew him, he was a little bundle of chocolate brown fur, with big brown eyes and a funny personality. Yes, I admit that over the years he developed several irritating qualities and idiosyncrasies (is that appropriate to say about a dog?). But his original and primary job was to provide company, entertainment, and distraction for Jessica while I was working, and he certainly has done that for many years. And in the end, despite all his "issues," we loved him.

Cocoa in his youth--what a handsome guy.

This is a fairly recent shot, showing his old man, gray haired face.

He used to frequently have us laughing hysterically when he was young. We called him the "The Hunter." He would sit and stare at and stalk a yellow tennis ball. It would catch his attention, innocently lying on the floor across the room from him; he would sneak up on it, taking maybe 5-10 minutes to creep his way across a small room. He would inch up to it slowly, stealthily, his whole little body so tense with anticipation we could see him trembling; finally, when he was poised a few inches away, he would pounce on it in triumph, and then go off somewhere and proudly chew on and punish his "kill."

He would do absolutely anything for a Milk Bone "cookie" -- sit up, roll over, speak, turn in circles, etc. etc. Happily do anything! All I had to say was, "Do you want a cookie?" and he would go into his whole repertoire of tricks, sometimes without even being prompted.

It's been a few years since we've seen any of these antics. The last few years he's gone deaf and nearly blind, and it's been a long time since he's been enthralled by a yellow tennis ball. He's seemed content just to get a scratch here and there, an occasional cookie, and a nice soft blanket to curl up on. He's also gotten a bit senile, I think, over the last couple of years, and has been more difficult to live with (who of us is not more difficult to live with as we age?). For instance, whenever he was alone, or thought he was alone, he would start hysterically howling, almost screaming, and would keep that up for a minute or two. (One of my friends, when she heard the howling over the phone, nicknamed him "Psycho Dog.") At first, we could just call to him; he would realize he wasn't alone and would stop. But since he's gone deaf, that wasn't even possible; we had to walk over to him and touch him, and he would calm down. Difficult for us AND our neighbors. But, he was an "old man," as I always said, and we just kind of cut him a break, so to speak, and lived with it.

Not unexpectedly, he's had more medical problems over the last few years as he's aged. And finally they have become too much to manage. As I was driving him to the vet's office this morning, for the final time, I realized that he had indeed fulfilled his role; for 14 years he's been company and good friend to Jessica, which was my goal.

We'll miss you, Cocoa -- you were a good boy.

I Remember This...

2011-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

I used to love sewing for my girls when they were little. I was never very accomplished, mind you, but fortunately little girls are not very picky, and I felt productive and enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun sewing with my friend Carol. When our girls--Natalie, Sabrina, Jessica & Erin--were small, we used to get together and struggle through sewing little outfits for them. Neither of us was very good, but it was a lot of fun. All of these "girls" are now in their 30's, and all but Jessica are moms themselves now. It has been that long since I've done any sewing at all. It was a long-distant memory, and I never really thought I'd be doing it again. Probably the last time I did any sewing was 1982 or '83. I started school in 1983, and I know for sure I never did anything since then. It was all about school, and then it was all about working and just managing.

So, now that I'm RETIRED, I decided to try it again. I didn't really plan this--just thought about it the other day, and decided to go for it (since I have time, hehehe). And fortunately, I have some little girls to sew for again. And hopefully, they won't be any more picky than my girls were back then. (And maybe this time I'll actually get GOOD at it!) So, I made this little dress for Kayla yesterday. I can tell you that there are LOTS of flaws in it, and I will probably always see them whenever I see the dress, but I think it is pretty cute, and it was relatively easy. Some things seem to have not changed at all--I still an NO good at zippers (if anyone has suggestions for me, feel free). And I discovered that the seam ripper is, indeed, still my best friend. But, all in all, it was fun, and I am definitely going to do more!

So, in answer to the question apparently asked of all newly retired people: NO, I am not worried about being bored!!!

RETIREMENT

2011-03-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have worked at Foothill Presbyterian Hospital for almost 24 years. I'm retiring this year, and as the day approaches I find I am having very mixed feelings. So many memories. People, situations, problems, difficulty, triumph, sadness, connection, challenge, learning, emotion, loss, growth, sorrow, happiness. And so much more. All tied to FPH in some way or another.

April 1 will be my last day. Just thinking about walking away from there on that last day... I'm not even sure I can describe how I feel about it. That's probably why I'm writing about it--an attempt to process the feelings. I will be having a little farewell that day, and will take lots of pictures throughout this next week. I'll probably do another post after the fact, and will put up those pictures then. But right now, it's just about all these feelings.

I took the job at FPH in 1987, right out of nursing school, mostly because they had a unit dedicated to treating diabetes patients. I interviewed with several other hospitals, but was strongly attracted by the strong diabetes focus at FPH. I felt very passionate about that at the time, and still do, actually. During my nursing school experience, I had seen several "near-miss" incidents at different hospitals, where patients with diabetes were treated in kind of a haphazard way, insulin doses missed or overshot, diagnostic tests scheduled without consideration of medication needs, etc. Jessica had been diabetic for a few years by that time, and I was very sensitive to the needs of diabetes patients I was seeing in various medical and surgical settings. I was horrified by what I saw during school, to be quite honest. I was very attracted by the idea of a unit and a staff who were dedicated to making sure patients with diabetes were treated appropriately in the hospital setting, that hospital administration as well as the nurses who worked there had made a commitment to doing so.

Of course, over the past two decades I have seen many many changes, but I still recall how exciting to me it was to have that brand new job, after the slog through school. To finally feel the security of having that paycheck and mostly knowing that we finally had health insurance. It was an immense relief. After a few years of working, I realized that my real passion was more focused on people's inner, emotional lives than their physical care. I began a long process of more schooling, with a plan to change careers. I was supported in that by so many people, and my schedule was always accommodated; it was difficult, but I always appreciated the flexibility of a nursing schedule that allowed me to pursue other interests and needs.

My friends at FPH have gone through a lot with me. When Jessica had her stroke in '95, they were the ones, mostly, who supported me, got me through it. Many of them also helped me financially during those first few months, when I had to take more time off than I had vacation/sick time to pay for. And they all helped me emotionally. It was wonderful having someone to talk to at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep, worrying about how I was going to manage--a huge night shift bonus is having friends who are awake and don't mind a call.

When Jessica's needs finally made it impossible for me to continue in my second school life, and I realized I was never going to be able to really change careers, it was a huge loss to me; it was largely my friends at FPH who helped me cope, who listened as I cried about my feelings, the finality and enormity of that loss.

When Erin was getting married, those were the friends who gave me ideas and helped me plan how to do things for her wedding. When I was going to be a grandma, they were the friends I talked to about it. They have watched my grandchildren come, and have looked at my endless pictures of them as they've grown. They listen with interest to my grandma stories, as I listen to theirs. Some of them know the kids as well as any family could. Probably because I don't have a huge family of my own, many of these friends have become like family to me, and have beautifully fulfilled that role.

When I had surgery, I was not cared for by just nurses and hospital employees. I was truly taken care of by my friends. There is a lot to be said for knowing that there are people all around you who you absolutely trust to take good care of you.

Of course, as I've aged, the "family" feeling I have for many friends at FPH has changed. Now many of them feel like my children instead of my peers. Because, of course, now many of them are the ages of my own children. I care about many of them like my own children; I want the best for them, have hopes for their lives and their children and their futures.

Part of the tension between looking forward to retirement and having great anxiety about it, I know, is the knowledge that in my ideal world (is there such a thing?) I would still be working another two to three years. I'm working on accepting that I do not live in a perfect world, and I don't get to have what I might want. There are many reasons that this is necessary now, which I won't belabor here. But part of the feeling of loss, I think, is not just related to no longer working; it is accepting that the perfect retirement I'd once imagined is never going to be reality.

So, yes, I have a lot of FEELINGS about leaving FPH. There have, of course, been many changes there over all these years; many people I cared about have left before me, and many new people have come in. A few special ones have become close friends, but mostly I feel the sensation of being more connected to the past than the new. Part of that, I'm sure, is just a natural part of being older. My connections, my memories, are more with the past; that is where my most intense commitments remain. That realization helps me to separate, too. It is, after all, the natural order of things; the old move on and the young take over.

With all of this in mind, I think 4/1 will be a most emotional day, and I doubt that I will get very much actual "work" done at all. I hope that I will be able to express to those certain people how much they've meant to me, without just completely "losing it." I hope to feel a sense of completeness in the transition, a rightness about it all, and not just loss. We shall see...

Pumpkin Patch!

2010-10-25T10:53:00.001-07:00

I know I already posted most of these pictures on Facebook, and this might seem a bit redundant. But I still have a few very stubborn non-Facebook friends who wanted to see the pics, and this is the easiest way to do it. I know, I could just show them the actual pictures, but that's just so old school.

Last weekend, I went with Erin and her kids to the pumpkin patch at Live Oak Canyon, near their home. We saw more different varieties of pumpkins and gourds than I even knew existed!Jaden liked these giant "cucumbers."They had these great characters posing all over the place. We thought they were statues at first, until they MOVED! Tyler shook this skeleton's bony hand.Tyler rode this pony, his new friend "Buck."

They both wanted to ride this 4-wheeler train. Looked pretty fun, and rode around the whole farm.
Kayla waited with Erin and me while the boys were riding.
Then we got down to the serious business of picking pumpkins. They both took it VERY seriously.

Even after all that work, we didn't even buy their pumpkins - $65 for four pumpkins seemed a bit steep! It was fun seeing how they grow and picking them out anyway.
I couldn't resist these great sunflowers!

All in all, a fun day!

Happy Fall!

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-19T11:00:00.001-07:00

Happy Father's Day Jeff. Tyler, Jaden & Kayla are glad you're their dad (and so am I).

Back to Scrapbooking

2010-05-22T20:02:00.001-07:00

I'm working on getting back into scrapbooking on a more regular basis, at least once a week. There was a time, a few years ago, that I worked on pages at least 3-4 days a week. Of course, that was when I was working 12-hour shifts 3 days a week, so had LOTS more time off to do whatever I wanted to do, actual leisure time. Now I really feel the constraints of my limited time off, so I've had to work much harder to find time for what I love to do. I've made a commitment, though, that if for no other reason than that I must start using up some of my many many many supplies, I'm going to get back to it. I guess, though, that reason doesn't really fly, since I seem to keep accumulating scrapbooking supplies at a much faster rate than I actually produce any pages. I think I am spurred on by that embarrassing realization as well.

On a more positive note...

2010-05-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

Here are the rest of the pictures from the Sena Zimmer sitting in March. I love every one of them, and am no longer so keenly aware of all the great shots we left behind. The ones we got are great, and capture so well this family I love so much.

About $$$

2010-05-02T10:08:00.001-07:00

At the outset, I'll warn you that this is going to be somewhat of a rambling post. A stream-of-consciousness sort of thing. I've been thinking a lot about money of late. Partly because I'm thinking about retiring, and that process involves figuring out how to manage the financial part of it. I'm thinking about how this will change my life--mostly in fabulously good ways, but in one big negative way. I'm going to have to resume a way of living that I spent too many years in, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I hope I have the emotional strength, the maturity, to do it gracefully. I know it can be done, as many people do it, but I guess I'm not sure I, myself, have the ability to accomplish it.

Now when you read these words, and see the accompanying pictures, you might wonder what possible connection there is between the two. That's what I meant about rambling. But, trust me, there is a connection. I will try to explain it for you, but mainly I think I'm trying to explain it to myself.

I am fascinated, some might say obsessed, by pictures (it's no coincidence that I have been obsessed with scrapbooking for the last 8-9 years). I love beautiful landscape photos, and am drawn to scenes of garden gates, doorways and windows, homes and cottages. But mostly it's all about pictures of the people I love, especially my children and now, more than anything, my grandchildren.

One of the most profound memories--regrets--I have from the time that my own children were young was that I never had a professional family portrait taken, or even a picture of the children individually or as a group that wasn't taken at Sears or somewhere like that. And almost every one of those Sears portraits has a memory attached to it - myself sitting and choosing that "free 8x10" and agonizing--suffering!--over all the good shots that I had to decline. I could not afford to buy them, and it was almost physically painful to sit there and act like I really didn't like them all that much. It was too hard for me to admit, felt almost shameful to admit, that I just couldn't afford to buy the other poses. (Why it felt actually shameful is probably fodder for more than one therapy session in itself.) More than once I remember taking that free shot, and maybe the barest minimum of an additional package, walking out to my car, and sitting there behind the wheel and crying over it, before I could pull myself together to take my picture and go home.

So, here's the beginning of the connection I'm trying to make here. Last Christmas I found a wonderful photographer in Glendora, Sena Zimmer. My friend Grace had had some family pictures done by her and I'd seen and admired them. I decided to give Erin and Jeff a sitting with Sena as a gift for Christmas. I was thrilled to be able to do it, and honestly (since I am being honest here--what would be the point of this post if I weren't), I think it was more for me than for them. It certainly did fill a need--of mine.

These are some of the photos of the children from that sitting; I was so incredibly happy with the result!

I find, however, as I study these photos, that even long before I do retire and drastically reduce my income, I already regret that I most likely won't be able to do something like this again. This specific thing is not the focus, I guess; I am grateful for this group of photos, but will happily leave it to Erin and Jeff to provide future pictures (luckily Erin likes them as much as I do, and I'm grateful for that). But that train of thought brings to mind what I will be returning to. Once again, as has been the case most of my life, I won't be able to afford things like this. What I'm thinking about, I guess, is what else I may not be able to afford. The last few years I've actually earned what feels like "enough" money, and it has been amazing. It is so incredibly different; I am reminded of this difference, in hundred of little ways, almost on a daily basis. I don't come close to taking it for granted. I guess "enough" money is different for everyone; I am very aware that many many people would find my current income to be extremely limiting and restrictive, while others might feel wildly wealthy. For me, it has just been such a relief to finally feel able to pay bills and have something, anything, left over. Almost every single time I pay a utility bill, for instance, I still recall how humiliating it was to have the phone, gas, or electricity turned off for non-payment--there was a period of several years when that was not an uncommon occurrence. It's not like I dwell on these thoughts excessively, but they do pop up, ever so briefly. Most of all, this relatively new life has meant feeling comfortable enough to afford an occasional extravagance like these professional portraits--at least what feels like an extravagance to me (after all those free 8x10 Sears experiences).

I suppose that someone who has always had enough money (whatever "enough" is for them) probably can never really understand this difference. I'm not always sure that I do, completely. I just know that I wonder how I will cope with going back to where I was for so many years; there is not a little amount of anxiety attached to this. What I hope is that I'm able to focus on what I do have (including especially time, precious time), and not what I don't. Those who know me well know that I am by nature a pessimist; I struggle with this, make every effort to focus on positive things, but recognize that it is always, indeed, a struggle. If there were one thing I could magically change about myself, it would definitely be this. The fact that I've worked on this for almost 20 years, and haven't completely succeeded, tells me that there is no magical change in store. I'm still working on it, though.

Maybe once I do retire and have some more of that precious time available, I'll work on learning to take more professional-looking photos myself! As you can see by these pictures, I certainly have the perfect subjects. Maybe all I need to do to focus more on the positives in my life is look at them. In retirement, despite what I may not be able to do or have, I will definitely have more time to do that! A definite POSITIVE!

A Visit

2010-03-07T14:31:00.001-08:00

It's always fun to visit the grandchildren, whatever the reason--or for no reason at all. Yesterday I headed out for a short visit, but this time also an opportunity to give Erin & Jeff a chance to get away for a couple of hours (first time since Kayla's birth, I think). All went along fairly smoothly; Kayla (above) played happily on the floor. Of course, 5 minutes later she discovered her parents weren't there, and it was, uh oh, just ME! Not so happy with that arrangement, but she was pretty brave nonetheless. Every time she looked at me, her lower lip would pooch out, and I had to turn her away from me. But I just kept moving and held her facing away from me, watching her brothers, and we did fine. I call Tyler and Jaden Techno-Kids, because it amazes me what they can do with electronics and technology. Tyler loves this Star Wars game on the Wii. I always remember one time I was showing Tyler something on the computer when he was little, maybe two and a half; he put his little hand on the mouse and said, "No, Nam, you have to right click--like this!" Huh?! Are you kidding me?!!!
Jaden was busy on the computer, harvesting crops in the Country Life game on Facebook. He had lots of ideas about how to do it better, what to harvest and what to plant, and what would be a good idea to sell. He is a very competent farmer--computer Facebook farmer at least.

Kayla was the happiest of all when Mommy and Daddy came home! I know any day now she's going to recognize me from one visit to the next and realize I'm one of the good guys too, but for now I think the backwards hold and short babysitting stints are best.

Enough, Already?

2010-02-25T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking, since I haven't posted for two months now, and feel no need to do so now, that it might perhaps be time to put an end to this blog. I kind of just ran out of steam, I guess. There for awhile I felt like there was a lot I wanted to say, and now, well... not so much. Maybe an occasional comment here and there on facebook is enough? That and personal e-mails, which always serve.

Hmmm. I'll have to think about it.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

Just some random pics from this Christmas time.

Kayla & Jaden yesterday.

Tyler is meeting Harry Potter this year.

Underlining again! No idea why!

Can you go wrong with little boys and Lincoln Logs? Don't think so.

Their house is perfect for the new Razor scooters the boys got. A long long tile floor. Now let's hope the walls survive!

Tyler worked on his Star Wars Legos project - he told me but I've already forgotten the name of the spaceship he was building. Later the other "boys" got into it as well.

Erin made a batch of her friend Sammy's "pink stuff" -- love it. We also had lots of other goodies -- everyone's favorites: Honey Baked ham, funeral potatoes, sweet potatoes, seven-layer salad, crescent rolls. M-m-m-m-m!

I was unable, for some reason, to get the text next to the pictures when this posted. As I was editing it, everything was right, but when I post, all the text goes to the bottom or top. Don't get it. Anyone know a better blog than blogspot? I'd like to try something else I think.

Merry Christmas to all!

Aaaww, Poor Cocoa!

2009-11-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

Poor Cocoa, our almost-13-year-old Cocker Spaniel! He started bleeding from a mass near his tail, probably a few days ago. We noticed some blood spots on the floor (thank goodness for our new tile), but were unable to see a source for it. I thought maybe one of the dogs had a paw injury, but couldn't find anything. Then yesterday I realized that it was definitely from Cocoa, that wherever he sat there was a smear of blood. I started looking closer, and found what looked like a mass right under his tail.

So, we took a trip to the vet this morning, and discussed options for treatment. We had decided to go ahead and have surgery on Monday to remove the mass and have it biopsied. Once we got results from that, we could decide about whether to pursue treatment options beyond that. While we were waiting for the doctor to come back and give us some more information, all of a sudden Cocoa started really bleeding a LOT, just dripping blood all over the floor. So that changed things. Now it had become more of an emergent situation and surgery had to be done today. The only good thing about this was that we were still in the vet's office when this happened; it could have been worse.

So, he had the surgery, and I picked him up a couple hours ago, the poor little thing. He needs to be kept away from our other dog, and he has to wear an "elizabethan collar" to keep him from licking the wound. So we've enclosed him in a little bathroom area off the kitchen, gave him a blanket and his food in there, and are hoping for the best. He is VERY upset, to say the least. Anyone who knows him is aware that he can be extremely vocal about his feelings!

You can see why the collar is difficult. We've never had to do this before, so I'm not sure if there's any way to make it easier. Right now, I don't see one.

He's having a hard time figuring out how to maneuver with it, especially being able to eat and drink. He can manage it, but he has to get the collar positioned just right in order to do it. And now it seems I have another part-time job (as if I needed one), just taking care of his medical needs for the next couple of weeks. Pain pills, stool softener, and antibiotics twice a day, surgical wound care twice a day and as needed, as well as an ointment for his red and irritated eye. I figure I'll be getting up 30 minutes early every day, just in order to get this new routine completed before I go to work!

Here's all the stuff we came home with. Yikes--he has almost as many meds as Jessica! As bad as this seems, I'm reminding myself that it is only temporary, maybe 10 days or so, and if the mass is not malignant he has a good chance to continue on his merry little doggy way for maybe another couple of years. If we don't get a good report from the biopsy, well, it will only have been a few more days, and I guess he deserves that.

UPDATE 11/29:

(Once again, I don't know how or why this is in blue; I can't seem to figure out how to turn it off.)

Well, less than 24 hours into it, I had to take the collar off. Cocoa was going to lose what sanity he has left; he was going absolutely crazy. He was wailing so much that he was getting hoarse, and whipping his head around so much trying to get it off that he probably would do more damage that way. So I took off the collar this morning and he has been very good, doesn't even seem to notice the wound on his behind, hasn't tried to lick it or rub it at all so far. So, so far so good... Now we just wait for biopsy results.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

2009-11-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

I love love love these kids! I know, I know, what a surprise. I was just looking at a couple pictures from yesterday, and... well, that's what I thought.

The Halloween Queen

2009-11-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows Jessica knows that she loves decorating for the holidays. Her year seems to begin with Halloween, and goes on through to July 4th. (I know you probably think the year begins in January, but you'd be wrong.) It's her "thing." People tease her mercilessly about it (including me), but she doesn't really care. She has her ideas, and one can't dissuade her. Her taste is SO not mine, but in the end it doesn't really matter, and I mostly end up letting her do pretty much whatever she wants to the outside of the house. I try to look at it like this: I don't really see the front of the house all that much; usually I drive right into the garage after work and hardly notice what's out there. And when I do, well, sometimes I cringe, and sometimes I think it's kinda cute. All depends on the holiday, and how far overboard she's gone.
I've also realized, somewhat surprisingly, that I don't really care that much what other people think about it, which is pretty freeing.

I was surprised to discover, when I started this post, that I didn't have more pictures of her at Halloween. These were from 2004 (I think), and 2002. I know there are more, just not sure where.

I realize that sometimes I've been a bit short with her about her compulsion to decorate any and every surface in my home. But I've decided this "new year" to try to be kinder to her about it, to just let her have this one area where she can express herself and have fun. After all, there aren't that many things she can do; I'm determined to try to just be quiet and let her have this. Check back with me at the end of the year in July, and I'll let you know how my plan worked out.

LUCKY GIRL

2009-11-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

Kayla is one lucky little girl.

First of all, she has wonderful parents. They can't say that themselves, now can they. That would be a bit immodest, to say the least, and isn't like them at all. But I can say it, and I do.

Second, she has big brothers who are so excited to finally meet her, and who love her and will be excellent examples to her as she grows.

Last, this girl has a fabulous wardrobe! A girl just can't have too much pink!

Sweet Kayla

2009-11-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

Kayla is one week old tonight. Here's my favorite picture from the hospital, at less than one day old. Is this not the cutest little face?!

Nam's Baskets

2009-10-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, my name is Nam to my grandchildren. Named by Tyler when he was teeny, and it has stuck.

I've had some wicker baskets in the upstairs hallway for the grandchildren; they have learned to run up there and see what's in their basket whenever they come for a visit. Usually it's just a relatively small thing--a treat, maybe a book or some stickers. Right now this is what awaits them. They don't look at blogs just yet, so I'm safe revealing this secret.

Did you notice the cute tags? I've been trying to make those forever, wanted to hang them on their baskets, and have planned to use my Cricut for that. There is a tag option on the Plantin SchoolBook cartridge, that I've seen demonstrated and wanted to use. But I have had so much trouble figuring out how to use the "end caps" feature which would allow me to make the tags I wanted. As I said, I've seen it demonstrated, and I've read the instructions, and tried it several times. Never could make it happen. Somehow I just couldn't seem to get all of the steps right. Then today, for some reason, I finally figured it out. Yay for me!

So now we're all set--just waiting patiently for the next visit.

Kayla's Scrapbook

2009-10-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

I've made scrapbooks for each of my grandsons, Tyler and Jaden. I love documenting their lives for myself, and their parents, and hopefully for them some day. I hope they'll enjoy them in the years to come, and mainly I hope they'll realize and remember how much I loved them and how special they always were to me, right from the beginning.

The first page in each book is just a title page -- their name. This is Tyler's (uh, I guess that's fairly obvious, isn't it).

On a side note--I enjoy looking at my old scrapbook pages. Besides documenting a particular stage in a child's life, or a specific event, almost every page I look at reminds me of my own scrapbooking experience. I can tell what new technique I'd learned, or what I was experimenting with at the time. Sometimes I did pages that didn't work at all, really, but they served a purpose, if nothing more than allowing me to try something new or to discover, the hard way, what does not work.

When I was first scrapbooking about Tyler, for instance, I did not have much equipment, and embellishments consisted mostly of stickers, or maybe a few die cuts or rubber stamps. Six years later, I remember how jazzed I was to have discovered the embossed vellum and the large letter stickers I used. (I never much like my own writing, and was happy to figure out a way to avoid it. I know, I know--all you CM fans will be horrified by that admission!)

A few years later, when I was working on Jaden's book, I had acquired quite a few little "goodies," including my favorite at the time, a Sizzix machine and several different fonts. Almost every page included some lettering made with the Sizzix. Again, a neat way to avoid having to handwrite the information.

Jaden's title page was no exception. I was pretty happy with the lettering, as it was my most recent Sizzix font set acquisition.

And now we come to 2009, and Kayla's soon-to-happen birth. I've been looking forward to this experience of having a granddaughter ever since we learned that's what we were getting this time. I've of course also been collecting "girlie" scrapbook supplies for a few months now, in anticipation. This last week, I started her book, and I made her very first page, the title page. I had to wait until the decision was firm about her name, and I am assured by her parents that it is. I was initially going to wait until her birth, just in case. But then I decided, though, that even if they were to change their minds and name her something completely different, this would make a funny story in the future--how her grandma made a scrapbook page with the wrong name in it!

So here is Kayla's title page, not yet even in the book when I took this picture. And, true to form, it includes my newest obsession--the Cricut machine I have gushed about in a previous post or two. Still loving it! And love Kayla already--can't wait to meet her!

I LOVE NERDS!

2009-10-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to visit Erin, ostensibly to help her get the nursery ready for the baby. Really, I think it was an excuse just to look at and play with all the cute little clothes and goodies she has waiting for her. Jeff and Jaden were in the room with us, when we realized we hadn't heard from Tyler for quite some time. What was he doing? What mischief had he gotten into? Playing on the computer, or watching TV? He finally came and proudly showed us what he'd been up to. Math. Yes, MATH! He had made "number sentences." Including, mind you, square roots! (Did I have a clue about square roots at 6? I think not!) Then he had cut out his writing, and had six or seven "crazy shapes" to show us, with his various math sentences and problems on them. He had obviously been quite absorbed, and had clearly enjoyed this project. Erin smiled and whispered, "Isn't he a nerd?" Yes!

I LOVE NERDS!

Fun at Victoria Gardens

2009-09-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

I got to play with Tyler and Jaden yesterday at Victoria Gardens in Rancho Cucamonga. I had told them that our destination was a surprise, but as we were driving I heard their escalating expectations as they were guessing things like Disneyland, the beach, etc. Yikes! I figured I'd better lower expectations quickly. "Nothing too exciting," I said. All of a sudden, Tyler noticed the surroundings and said, "I know! Is it the place with the train?" "Yes!" I said. "Victoria Gardens. Let's just see what's going on there today." Then Tyler said, "Man oh man--that's the BEST place ever!!!" Whew!

We started out at Barnes & Noble, where we hung out for awhile, grateful for the air conditioning, since it was about 105 degrees outside (I'm so done with summer already!).

They always have to ride the Choo Choo Monga Express (get it? - the train in Rancho Cucamonga). I was wondering if Tyler was getting too big and "cool" to still enjoy it, but both of them were quite enthusiastic about it. Rode twice, in fact. It is the coolest little train. In fact, Tyler says maybe when he grows up he might like to be the engineer. We'll see...

We then went looking for their second favorite thing at Victoria Gardens, the Thomas the Train store. We were shocked and sad to find it is CLOSED! I had the guilty thought that maybe it closed because everyone else was like us. We usually just go in the store, let the boys play for 20 minutes or so with the train tables, look around, and leave without buying anything. Maybe we should have bought a few more items!

Then it was California Pizza Kitchen for lunch--again grateful to get out of the hot sun.

The boys ordered... what else? Is there any other kind of pizza?

I had the crab cakes appetizer. It was just enough, and was pretty tasty.

I had the most fun, though, in conversation with my lunch companions, and watching the seriousness of their work on their various puzzles, mazes, and tic tac toe games while we waited for our food.

They were excited to go for their second ride on the train. They had held their own tickets, and were proud to show me they still had them when we finished lunch.

We walked around the Gardens some more, but soon were done in by the heat. We finished up our outing with a visit to Golden Spooon. I'm told, by those who know such things, that there's nothing like gummy worms on frozen yogurt! I'll have to take their word. Thanks, boys, for a fun day!

Goodbye Mary, and Thank You

2009-09-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

[I have found that with some browsers the photos are not showing up in this post. Please let me know if you see them or not. There are quite a few in this one.]

I generally am not one to mourn excessively over the death of celebrities, especially when they're old and have lived what I see as good, full lives. I guess I don't see the reason we seem to think it somehow more sad or more of a loss, just because someone was famous. However, when I heard about the death of Mary Travers (as in Peter, Paul and...), I was indeed affected. I can't even articulate exactly how much. Mary was 72 years old, and certainly had lived a long, full, even privileged, and certainly productive and meaningful life. So why did I feel the way I did?

I began to think about what she had meant to me. On giving it some thought, I realized that I did not feel extraordinarily sad at her passing, per se, as I might have for someone much younger or who died under tragic circumstances, because of the things I said before--she certainly did not lack for good things in her long, abundant life. What hit me were waves of nostalgia. I remember absolutely loving the music she made with her partners Peter Yarrow and Noel Paul Stookey, as part of Peter, Paul & Mary in the 1960's and 70s. I was hooked in 1962, with their first album and the hit Pete Seeger song "If I Had A Hammer." The complex harmonies of their songs are the background to my early life. As a teenager, I was informed about the injustices in our nation and world by that song, as well as others, such as their version of Dylan's "Blowin' In The Wind." I took the lyrics of those songs to heart, and have been forever grateful that I was, early on, appreciative of efforts to make things right.

When I was in high school, I joined a volunteer club with a group of my friends; once a month or so, we went with a couple of teachers to various children's hospitals and sang songs and played with the kids. What songs did we sing? The only ones I remember were PP&M songs. I'm sure there were others, but those are the ones I remember--"Puff," "Hammer," and "Blowin In The Wind" mostly. The young children loved them, and so did we. We believed those words. They rang true to me, resonated. They fit with my (admittedly limited, at the time) experience in the world.

I have played their songs forever, first on vinyl LPs, then on CD's, and now on my iPod or computer. I never tire of them. My children grew up listening to them, whether they wanted to or not. I'm happy to say that my grandchildren now know some of them too.

PP&M introduced me to folk music, which has been a lifelong favorite. I learned about Pete Seeger, The Weavers, and others; folk music tells the stories of real people, and often includes a message of hope, a lesson, a call to action. I love it, and always have.

Mary was the one I remember the most, for whatever reason. Maybe just because I was a girl and so was she. Maybe it was that she stood in the middle, and was so noticeable with her trademark blonde hair and bangs and her rich, soaring voice, her amazing harmonies with her partners. For whatever reason, she just stood out to me. For years I don't think I knew for sure who was Peter and who was Paul; there was no doubt, however, about who Mary was.

At 15, in the summer of 1963, I watched on our little 12-inch black & white TV as Martin Luther King spoke at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington about his dream for his children, and for the country and the world. I heard family members and neighbors rave about Dr. King being anti-American, being such a danger for inciting those people. I see it as fortunate for me that my mother, despite her many parenting flaws, was not among them. She was a liberal thinker who did not forbid me, as so many of my friends' parents did, to watch and listen to the speech, and to be aware of what was happening in the South at the time.

Also at the March that August were Peter, Paul & Mary, singing "If I Had A Hammer" on the steps of the Memorial, and I know they, through their music, really helped me to believe in the possibility that day that things could some day be better.

When I watch the iconic video of them singing that song, that day, it all comes back, in waves of nostalgia and along with some pretty mixed feelings. Partly, I know, it's just realizing how darn OLD I am now, because the evidence is there before me--those people who were there that day are now all truly old, and a good many of them are gone. Also, though, there is sadness for lost youthful, naive hope about how easily things might change. I think I just thought that if people really understood, things would indeed change. I never considered, then, how entrenched people were in their beliefs, and that they might not want change, and that they would indeed fight hard--HARD--to keep it from happening.

This is PP&M when they were obviously very young (above--older than me at the time, but still YOUNG when I look at them now). Below is a more recent picture of them, proving to me, if I had any questions, how many years have gone by and how OLD all of us Boomers, and the generation right before us, are rapidly becoming.

We have all aged, haven't we? As it should be, though, I guess. I was saddened a few years ago to hear of Mary's diagnosis of leukemia, and to see over the years the ravaging effects on her of the chemotherapy she underwent. But I believe what her friend and partner Peter Yarrow wrote about her on their website after her death:

"In her final months, Mary handled her declining health in the bravest, most generous way imaginable. She never complained. She avoided expressing her emotional and physical distress, trying not to burden those of us who loved her, especially her wonderfully caring and attentive husband, Ethan. Mary hid whatever pain or fear she might have felt from everyone, clearly so as not to be a burden. Her love for me and Noel Paul, and for Ethan, poured out with great dignity and without restraint. It was, as Mary always was, honest and completely authentic. That's the way she sang, too; honestly and with complete authenticity. I believe that, in the most profound of ways, Mary was incapable of lying, as a person, and as an artist. That took great courage, and Mary was always equal to the task."

I think I always recognized the honesty and courage he refers to; I loved their message then and always. Peter Paul & Mary introduced me to folk music, and to so much more. I'll always feel grateful to have experienced the phenomenon that they were; I'm proud to acknowledge their influence in my life. I continue to hope that people will want to recognize and change injustice, although I no longer naively expect it to happen easily or without, sometimes, great sacrifice.

So, goodbye Mary. And thank you--for the memories, the lessons, and most of all, the music.

Kayla/Kara - the best dressed girl in Beaumont!

2009-09-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

Erin's baby shower was this last weekend. I got to meet a lot of her new friends in Beaumont; it was nice to put faces to the people she tells me about. This new little girl of hers (Kayla? Kara? don't know yet) is certainly going to be well outfitted for a LONG time! She got so many cute little clothes, headbands, blankets, and goodies!

This first one is a masterpiece made by my friend Claudia--it matches the nursery colors perfectly!

This is one of three quilts hand made by Erin's wonderful neighbor Rose, another great new friend she's made in her new home. I'm so grateful she has all these supportive and caring people around her.
And now, just a few of the whole wardrobe of clothes... Is there anything cuter than baby girl clothes? I think not.

Her friend and neighbor from Blythe made the cake. It was fun to get to see her there.
Here's Sammy surprising Erin with the cake!

The shower was really a lot of fun. It was warm, relaxed, and friendly -- just like Erin herself!

HIT COUNTER GONE BERSERK!

2009-09-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

So just now I noticed the hit counter on this blog is out of control. The last time I noticed it was at 2350 or so. Now all of a sudden it shows well over 11,000 hits!??? Huh? How does that happen? Anyone?

Utah Vacation

2009-08-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

Almost every summer, we go up to visit relatives in Brigham City, Utah. A few years ago, along with a consortium of competitive water skiers, they built a lake on their farm property, and each time we visit we marvel at the improvements they've made. It's beautiful there, and so peaceful. We love it.

I took this picture from the dock, dangling my legs in the cool water--heaven!

They have a canoe, some floats, kayaks, and a slide. There's a barbecue, bathrooms, a covered patio area, and all kinds of fun to be had!

My niece Carla, with her daughters Sunni and Lana.

Emily's oldest son Dylan, getting ready to play a game of cards with Jessica, planning to cream her he said -- Scum, of course. That's one of the other traditions of Utah summer trips, many, many, many games of Scum!

Ann Marie, her son Trent and his wife Toni. Aren't they cute? Yes, Ann Marie, even you! (She always wants to be excluded from the picture, and demands editing rights.)
Just some of "the boys" having fun in the sand.
Carla and Ann Marie--I was so glad Ann Marie was able to come with her family that day. We don't see them enough.
Ann Marie's daughter Mattie wanted pictures of her jumping in the water.
Ann Marie's youngest--Gracie.
Utah mosquitos never miss feasting on Jessica--she had at least 10 bites on this foot (you just can't see them all). It's a week later now, and they're still itching!
Is it gorgeous there, or what?!

Fresh corn, anyone?

2009-08-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

My nieces Emily & Rebecca, corn cutters extraordinaire.

Rebecca's daughter Sarah and Emily's son Garrett, shucking corn that had been picked just that day or the day before. Can't get fresher than that!

Garrett showing off his find - a triple ear!
Even Jessica got into the work, spent some time shucking.
My niece Carla, her daughter Lana, and my nephew Neal, on the Yates corn assembly line.
More of the assembly line--cleaning, cooking, cutting...

B-I-L Kent and S-I-L Karen. There was music playing, and Kent looks like he was doing a Happy Corn Dance!
Here's just a small portion of the finished product. From field to freezer in one day. Oh my goodness it tastes good! I helped out on the line for a couple of hours and was rewarded with a few bags to bring home to California with us. Dee-lish!

Big Red Barn

2009-08-23T10:28:00.001-07:00

My brother-in-law Kent says he has dreamed of this "big red barn" for 30 years. I don't doubt it. I understand they converted the old hay shed that was up on the hill behind the old farm house (just north of Brigham City, Utah). It is surely Kent's pride and joy! It's a gathering place for family and friends, their own private recreation hall. (I'm having trouble arranging these pictures in order, so I'm just going to caption them in the order they uploaded. I've tried dragging them, as I used to do, but they won't drag! Can anyone help me figure this out? I'd be grateful for any suggestions.)

This is the upstairs loft--Jessica with her cousin Carla.

Jessica and Carla up the stairs. Bathroom to the left of the stairs on the first floor.

There's a great kitchen, with lots of cupboards and counterspace. Fridge, range, and microwave too! Pretty much everything you could ever want.

Large main downstairs room, with tables and chairs, probably with table seating for at least 60 people!

Here's where they get the name, of course. The BIG RED BARN -- beautiful, isn't it?

Normally I would post the rest of the pictures here, but since I can't seem to get them uploaded in order, I'll just do another post. Aarggghhh!

Finally Done!

2009-08-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying I have no idea why this text is underlined (and blue). I've tried to delete the underline--obviously without success. Another of the many mysteries one encounters in computer-land.

Well, the floor is finally done! After all that stressing, I actually love it. All the things I worried about are no longer an issue -- it's too cold, it might be slippery, I may not like the color, it's too light, should have done wood, etc., etc., etc. So here's my verdict after all is said & done: it's not too cold (I like the cool feeling), it's not slippery (there's a slight texture), I like the color (it's not too light), and I'm fine that I didn't do wood. So, once again, much ado about, basically, nada.

The furniture's finally all back in place, although all the accessories are not (which explains the "bare bones" look. No rugs yet, either. Although now that I like it so much I'm not sure I'll rush out looking for those. There's still some junk lying around, so just ignore that, please.

Besides the rooms pictured here, we had the laundry room/pantry, downstairs bathroom, and upstairs bathrooms done as well. Love it! Now, of course, I want new furniture to go with! Guess I'll start saving--for another three years.

The living room, from the family room: (Hmmmm... how did that underlining disappear? Again, no idea!)

Family room, from the kitchen:

Kitchen, from the family room:
Living room, from the front door:

I'm so relieved to finally have this project finished. Well, almost finished. Again, I marvel at people who can undertake these things without it taking such a TOLL! It will be good to have to find something else to blog about, too. I'm a bit sick of this topic!

In The Thick Of It - Part 2 of 3

2009-08-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

Here's most of our furniture outdoors while this is all going on. More is in the garage.

The family room with almost everything out, including the carpet.

My "tile guy" Craig - husband of a friend at work. Anyone want his contact info, just let me know--he does good work. This was the first day, removing the tile from the entry in the living room.

The stairs were useful for storing some of the stuff...
The very first tiles going in...

Looking good so far...

Tyler and Jaden stopped by to supervise a bit. Here they are inspecting the tile cutter in the front yard.

The next post will be the finished product. I was hopeful this project would be finished by today, as I have to return to work tomorrow and everything is still torn up. But, as always, things take longer than expected--that seems to be some kind of cosmic law that is never violated, at least in my experience. The downstairs will be finished this week, though, and then the two bathrooms upstairs will be done while we're on vacation next week. Woo hoo! Two fun things to look forward to!

The Old Floor - Part 1 of 3

2009-07-26T13:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been wanting a new floor pretty much ever since I bought this house -- over 11 years ago! I scraped everything together that I could manage just to get the house, and couldn't afford many upgrades, like tile flooring. So I got the standard linoleum, and always regretted it. After a couple of years, the floor started separating at a major seam, and there were gouges in it that looked awful.

I started seriously looking at (and saving for) replacing the linoleum a few years ago, but never decided what exactly I wanted to do. Then I realized that by now I need to replace the carpet too. So I've gone back and forth for 2-3 years about what to do. Carpet and tile? Wood floor all the way? Wood and tile? All tile? Way too many choices. I was very close to doing wood and tile, but kind of at the last minute changed my mind and decided to go for all tile. I've struggled -- STRUGGLED! -- with this decision! I find it hard to believe, actually, that some people seem to enjoy these kinds of redecorating projects, and are so good at making the decisions they require. I am NOT one of them!! Even after the decision is made, I second--and third, fourth, fifth--guess myself forever.

This is the family room BEFORE:

An especially mysterious stain in the living room; never did figure what caused it, and was never able to get it out despite multiple attempts with various products.

The living room BEFORE:

The bottom line now is, the decision is made, I've bought the tile, and it will be installed next week. I'll post before and after pictures once it's in place. I hope I'll be happy with it, because it's as permanent as anything gets. It'll be here in this house even after I'm not, most likely. Unless the next owner rips it up and puts something else down. I'm not going to, that's for sure. Like it or not, I'm livin' with it!

Erin's news...

2009-06-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

Right up front, I admit I'm plagiarizing this post (does that apply with blogs? I'm not sure, but still...). Erin posted this on her blog tonight, and she says it far better than I could. I know I should have called her and asked permission to use it, but it is too late and I'm sure she's sleeping now, and I was too impatient to wait until tomorrow! Besides, I felt okay using it since there are no pictures involved. So, here's her baby news in her words:

IT'S A...
GIRL!!!!!! I can't believe I'm having a girl. I went in thinking "okay, I'm the proud mom of boys, and now I'll have three cute boys." How great would that be right? Then the technician said "it's a girl" and I grabbed her arm and said "SHUT UP! Are you serious?" I just couldn't believe it so I made sure she was absolutely positive. She was. I'm still in shock. I just can't imagine having a girl. And she's totally healthy and looking great. She was moving all over the place, too. SHE! How weird...exciting weird.

Definitely exciting! I kind of reacted the same way she did. I almost didn't believe it at first. I don't think I realized it, but I guess I was expecting another boy, thinking the only thing cuter than the two boys we have now would be to have three. But now, hmmm--a little girl! Imagine that!

Grand Opening

2009-06-13T20:29:00.001-07:00

The scrapbooking room is finally done! I still have some organizing to do, but mostly it's done! The amazing thing is that I actually have some empty containers, some open shelves. In my old space, I was always having difficulty finding things or keeping track of what I had--probably because there was no rhyme or reason to where things were; they were just stacked on and stuffed into wherever I could find a spot. I'm so used to having things crammed into every available square inch of space; it's quite amazing to actually have enough room--and then some.

This first picture is the hallway outside the room. It's all the books and other things that were dislocated by this new arrangement. Clearly my work is not done with the completion of the room; all these things will need to find new homes--somewhere.
Here's the famous Cricut machine that started it all. It even has it's own table, with room for the cartridges on the shelf above.

I even have a TV in there, and a DVD player. We had this old TV we haven't used for years; finally found a home for it. I like to watch old movies or musicals while I work. I also like to listen to folk music, for some odd reason (what that genre has to do with scrapbooking, I couldn't tell you); I'll have to get a CD player in there as well. But since I have empty shelves, it shouldn't be a problem finding room for it!

It will be fun to have room for other people to work in there with me. I think 3 people could work comfortably. I've had these rolling carts for several years, but of late they were crammed so full I couldn't ever really find anything. I'm going to make labels now for all the drawers, just to make finding things easier; some of the drawers are actually still empty--I can't get over that!

And, finally, here's my paper and cardstock. 8.5 x 11 in the shelves on top of the table, and 12 x 12 in the hanging file underneath. I LOVE this part of my room. Never had anything like this before.

So, that's it! I joked with friends that I would have a grand opening when I finished the room; some even asked if I would be inviting guests and serving hors d'oeuvres. Michael suggested that blogging about it could serve as the digital version of that whole thing--good idea! So even though I'm not inviting you to a real grand opening, anyone who wants to join me for scrapbooking or card making, consider yourself invited!

Another Project

2009-06-06T10:06:00.001-07:00

So...

My latest project this Spring has been my garage door. First of all, the opener has been broken for at least a year, and I've had to manually lift and lower it, not to mention it really couldn't be locked effectively. Luckily no one ever figured that out, and we were never burglarized. For a long time, it didn't matter much because I wasn't parking the car in the garage, anyway, because it was such a mess. But when Jeff & Erin & Michael cleaned it out for me a couple of months ago, it motivated me to get things repaired so I could use it again as an garage--you know, a place to park your car. What a concept!

Then I thought about how much I've always wanted windows in the door; I just love the way it looks from the curb, and I like the added light inside the garage. (Especially now that it's clean and I like being out there and I actually use the space!)

Before...

Here it is after. I think it makes a BIG difference, and I LOVE IT!

Finally! Happy Day #8

2009-05-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, let's finish this thing up! Thank you, Erin, for reminding me. Scrapbooking makes me happy--mostly. There have been those times when I absolutely hated projects I was working on. To the point where I thought I'd rip it up the next day. The amazing thing, though, is that the next day I almost always look at the very same project and think, "Wow, I kinda like it!" Or even, "You know, that's pretty good!" How does that happen? And why? I have no idea. But whether I enjoy the project when I'm working on it or not, I do love the whole process. I even love just looking at my supplies. It's very satisfying to me, somehow. I've always said, and I think it's true, that scrapbooking helps me to feel creative when I absolutely know that I am not. I've always wanted to be, though, and am always in awe of those people I know who are truly creative. It amazes me. I like talking about it with other scrapbookers, reading about it, collecting supplies for it--pretty much just about everything.

My next large scrapbooking related project is creating a scrap room for myself. I was inspired by a blog that I follow (thepinkstamper.blogspot.com). I love the idea of getting all my stuff really well organized, and actually having enough room. I acknowledge that part of the problem with that is that I just have too much stuff, but let's not go there. It's actually made me happy just thinking about this project, and I keep having new ideas about what I might do with it. I'm giving up a guest room for it, but since no one's used our guest room in a long long time, I think it's a safe enough change. (For anyone who actually wants to stay here as a guest, there's still a sofa bed available, and you're welcome.)

I'll post some pictures when I actually start working on the room. The first part will be to empty it out. It has been the receptacle for lots of the stuff cast off from Jessica's room and all her crafting supplies. It's pretty full. We've emptied out quite a bit already (darn, I should have taken a picture before we started), but there's still lots to go.

I know, this has been a ramble. But what can I say? I think I was just desperate to get this assignment finished. Pictures to follow...

Happy Day #8 - not quite yet!

2009-05-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, this thing should have ended with 7 days. I cannot come up with anything today. That kind of a day. I guess I'm just not feelin' it. I'll try again tomorrow.

Happy Day #7

2009-05-25T08:40:00.001-07:00

It makes me happy to get a lot done, especially on an extra day off, since it is essentilaly "found" time. Then at night, when I feel tired, it can be accompanied by a sense of accomplishment, and not just the usual thought about how old I am! (As in, "of course I'm tired--I'm OLD!"). It's 8:43 a.m. and here is my plan for today, in two parts:

Home:

1) paint furniture for Jessica's room
2) call garage door company, schedule appt
3) Fix toilet seat
4) Measure Jessica's windows for curtains
5) Make birthday cards (gift cards for work friends)
6) Work on scrapbooking room (more on that later)
7) Touch up trim in hall, bedroom
8) Pay bills
9) Shopping/errands (below)

Out:

Bank

Kohls - My job this month is to buy gift cards for the birthday dinner for two friends at work, one from Kohls and one from Target

Dunn Edwards paint - need to touch up the wall in the hallway where Jessica took out a good-sized chunk out last night (let's not go there, okay?) She feels terrible about it and it was truly an accident, so I'm trying not to feel too irritated about it.

Golden Spoon Yogurt - it's near the paint store, so I can't miss the opportunity to get some of that yummy peanut Butter Cup flavor!)

Costco

Target - the second gift card, pharmacy for Jessi's meds

Stater Bros.

So, that's the plan. Now, let's see how successful I am. Nothing makes me happier than being able to cross off every item on a list! (Well, I'm sure some things do, but not many.)

Painting again!! (Part 2)

2009-05-24T12:34:00.001-07:00

So the painting is done. Am I happy about that? Yes. Am I happy with the job? Sort of. The guy wasn't as careful with the details as I would have liked, or as I would have been myself. But I'm trying to just look at the completed job and be grateful for that. I can fix the little things myself, and I plan to. THEN maybe I'll be completely happy!

Here's the stairwell and the upstairs hallway.

And Jessica's room. Don't tell anyone, but it's way pinker than I expected from the paint chip. She really wanted a deeper red, and I talked her out of it (sorry, Jessi). I think she was right, but I'll never tell her that; I'd never live it down. I may, at some point, re-do it the color she wanted in the first place.

But for now she's happy with it, so it's our little secret, okay? Promise?!

Happy Day #6 (slightly late)

2009-05-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

My friends make me happy, and contribute so much to my life. I feel blessed to have many truly good friends, some of whom are as close as family could ever be.

There are many who I could describe here, but I'm going to describe a day with just two friends from work today. Claudia and Geri work on the nursing unit where I worked until about 5 years ago. I still work at the same hospital, but in a different capacity. I'm still close to them, and interact with them at work frequently still. We also do things together sometimes on weekends from time to time, and I've even recently gotten Claudia started scrapbooking.

Another friend of ours, Mary, had been ill for quite a few years, and recently had had many new health problems which really discouraged her, including ongoing dialysis and then an amputation of one leg, with an impending probable second amputation. She was very tired, and I think that final loss of her independence was just more than she could take. She decided several months ago to stop dialysis and let nature take its course; she entered an inpatient hospice unit in April and within two weeks had died a peaceful and serene death.

Claudia, Geri and I visited with her after she entered hospice. We reminisced about many fun times, and laughed and cried together. One memory was Mary's favorite--the time she took Claudia and Geri to The Crab Cooker in Newport Beach for her favorite meal, their lobster specialty. (I couldn't go that day, since I'm the only one of us with a Monday through Friday work schedule.) When we were talking that day at her bedside, she held my hand and told me that I must go there, that I would love it. We promised her that we three

would go to The Crab Cooker for lunch one day soon for my birthday, and we would think of Mary while we were there. Well today was the day, and we did it!

It's little more than a shack on a busy corner near the beach. An interesting place, though. This huge shark is hanging from the ceiling (it was caught in the ocean across the street!).

It was a beautiful Newport Beach day--perfect weather. We ate lunch, and then went across the street to the ocean. We got a chocolate covered banana for dessert at a little stand across from the ocean (also on Mary's agenda for us), and ate it while we sat and watched the sailboats and kids playing in the surf.

Some more pictures from today. Come to think of it, beautiful days like today make me happy too! Especially when I am not at work and can be out enjoying them!

Thanks, Claudia and Geri, for a great birthday lunch and a fun time. And thanks, Mary--we remember you!

Happy Day #5

2009-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Dang, is it only day #5?

Okay, this one's easy. It makes me happy reading people's blogs, and even their comments on mine. I wish more people that I know were blogging, actually. I keep trying with a few people, but so far it's not working. I really feel like I've gotten to know people better, and I love that more than anything. I love reading what people are doing, how and what they think, what they're feeling. These things have always completely fascinated me.

Happy Day #4

2009-05-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, this one truly is going to be short. I know I've said that before, and then rambled on for days.

It makes me happy to sit and look at the ocean, feel the breeze and smell the salt air. These pictures were taken from our ocean view hotel room in Seattle, on the way back from our Alaska cruise last year.

Even though Jessica got really sick and we were literally stuck in our hotel room for two days, instead of doing the tourist thing in Seattle, I have to say I didn't really mind all that much because I just sat by the open window and looked out at this view of the beautiful Pacific Ocean.

I rarely feel as relaxed and calm as I do when I'm at the ocean.

The question then becomes, obviously, if I love the ocean so much, and it does make me happy to be there, why don't I ever spend any time there? This time in Seattle was the first time I'd been at the ocean in so many years I can't even really remember the last time. I doubt that anyone who knows me would even suspect this about me, because I literally NEVER go to the beach. This wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if I lived in Nebraska or Tennessee, but duh! I live in Southern California about an hour and a half away from any number of beautiful beaches. Sad, huh.

Happy Day #3

2009-05-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well here we go again. This is getting hard, just as I thought it would. I'm going for a quick and easy one today, just because it's late--again, and I'm tired--again. One thing that makes me happy is flowers, probably especially tulips. Lots and lots of them. It was pure bliss for me when we visited the Butchart Gardens last year in Victoria BC. I could have spent the whole day there, but we only had a few hours; I'll definitely have to make it back there some day!

I have had sort of an epiphany thinking about these happiness blog posts. I was thinking about why it should be hard for me to come up with 8 things that make me happy. It really shouldn't be a difficult thing, should it? In thinking about it, I was kind of surprised to realize that there actually are plenty of things that make me happy, it's just that I don't experience them very often. So that got me to start thinking about why not, and how I should spend more time on those kinds of things, and less on some others. The challenge has always been that there just isn't enough time, plain and simple. But, that's something that everyone has to deal with, and some people do manage to find time for those things that are fulfilling for them, and that make them happy. So why don't I?

The answer to that is another whole post (actually it sounds like a subject for a therapy session). There is a reason, of course, or more likely many reasons; I'm just not sure this is the forum to pursue the question. However, it has prompted me to consider it, and that's surely a good thing. So obviously, at this point, I've not found the answer; but at least I'm asking the question. I'll have to work on it.

Happy Day #2

2009-05-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, this will be short--I'm tired. I had to really think about this, because as I suspected, it was a bit hard to come up right away with the second thing that makes me happy. Then I was reading Erin's blog post about their California Adventure trip last week, and it came to me.

It is most fulfilling to see Erin with her family, to see what an amazing mom she is. The thought frequently occurs to me that I am so happy she is the mother of my grandchildren. When she was a little girl, she loved the song "When I Grow Up, I Want To Be A Mother," and I remember thinking that I was sure she'd make a good one some day. Then later, for a time, I wasn't so sure she still wanted to be one, the way she once had. After all, she never really babysat, never spent time with little kids, or seemed to be interested in or enjoy them at all.

But when she had her children, oh my goodness, what a blossoming! She instinctively knows what they need, and provides it--physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually--in every possible way. She's kind, patient, and understanding when they need that, yet strong and determined when they need that.

All I can say is that it is amazing and rewarding to watch, and makes me very happy indeed! And now, in about 5 months, we get to do it again with a brand new little one!

Pursuit of Happiness Day #1

2009-05-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Donna to do this Pursuit of Happiness thing. For 8 days, write about one thing that makes you happy, and tag 8 others to do the same. A worthwhile project, I think, as it helps me focus on positive things. Those who know me well know that's sometimes a challenge for me. So here goes: I tag Erin, Carol, Lauren, Megan, Melissa, Natalie, Sabrina, and anyone else who wants to take the challenge. Hmmm, can I find 8 things? That shouldn't be hard, but somehow it seems like it might be.

The first one is very easy, though, and no surprise: my grandsons Tyler and Jaden. Just by their very existence. Their unbridled joy and bounding excitement when we first meet for a visit; I actually feel Jaden's little body shaking with excitement when we first meet and hug. Their little faces smiling up at me. Jaden's giggle, and how much it reminds me of his mother at his age. Tyler's serious and thoughtful nature. Listening to their stories of discovery or wonder or adventure. Hearing about their latest Primary or school lessons. Listening to their prayers. Loving them and being loved by them.

Yes, just looking at these faces makes me smile and feel very happy indeed. Shoot! I just realized I used up at least 8 things just on these boys. Oh well, they're all true. I'll start working on thinking of 7 more things that make me happy, although I doubt any one of them, or all of them, can top these guys!

Painting -- again!

2009-05-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

No one likes to change things up more than Jessica. Given half a chance, she paints, and re-paints, anything in sight! Several years ago I painted her bedroom myself, and thought it should last her at least 5 years. But no, she already has tired of it and wants a new color. Now, I'll grant you that she probably is very bored, sitting around with nothing to do much of the time. So it gives her time to think and plan (some might say "scheme"), and before you know it, things are different.

Anyway, here's my confession. I promised her I'd re-paint her room last year for her birthday. Actually two rooms were involved and I did actually do the other room. But her bedroom has been torn apart and ready to paint since last August. And since it's now May I'd say I'm WAY behind on keeping that promise. I know that part of the delay was realizing how much work it was doing that other room, and since I'm doing it by myself, I was just feeling way too lazy.

So, here's what her room looks like now. Dark blue on the bottom, light blue on the top of the walls and ceiling (yes, what was I thinking, even the ceiling!). There used to be a wallpaper border in the middle. It's kind of a small room, and there's junk in the way, but I think you can get the idea.

At work the other day, someone mentioned hiring a painter. To be honest I'd never even thought of it! I think I'm so used to not ever really having enough money, actually spending money for something like this never even crossed my mind. In a whole lifetime of painting experience, it has always been a do-it-myself project. But when we were talking at work, I realized I just am not up to it, and I could actually afford to hire someone. So, I hired a painter, and he's hard at work as I write this post (I even turned on the A/C for him; I know how hard a job it is). I've taken these "before" pictures of the bedroom and the hallway he's going to paint today. I'll add the "after" shots... well, after.

Here's the stairwell. I had painted part of it a few years ago, but too late realized I'd never be able to do the upper part of the stairwell. Although I did stand on a ladder for the higher parts of the walls, there was no way I was going to stand on a ladder on the stairs. I'm not that brave (or foolhardy)!

This is the hallway upstairs. The same chalk white paint that was in the house when I bought it 11 years ago. You know, the kind that comes off if you even brush against it.

So this is it for now. More later (hopefully looking much better). Stay tuned for Part 2.

Happy Birthday at D-Land

2009-05-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Just couldn't pass up the chance to go to Disneyland for free last month on my birthday!

They give you this pin at the beginning of the day. All day long, everyone says "Happy Birthday" to you, even little kids. It's kinda fun.

The weather was great, sunny and cool--perfect Disneyland weather. It was a bit more crowded than I'd hoped. It seems every private school west of the Mississippi was on Spring Break. Every one of those kids had the same idea. As in, "What are YOU doing for Spring Break?" "We're going to Disneyland!"

Our friend Claudia went with Jessica and me. (Needed someone to help keep Jessica out of trouble!)

The "Celebrate" parade was cute. I have a soft spot for the old Main Street Electrical Parade, though. I always miss it. I hear it still goes on at California Adventure, though, so one of these days I'm going to have to catch it there and reminisce.

As this sign at the end of the refurbished It's A Small World ride says, it's always a good time to "come play" at Disneyland!

STAR OF THE WEEK!

2009-05-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Erin told me that Tyler was going to be "Star of the Week" at his school, starting on May 11. She asked me if I'd like to make the "all about me" poster he needed for the event. Are you kidding? This is nothing but a giant scrapbook page! I'd love to!

It gave me a chance to use my new Cricut machine. I used it for this Mickey Mouse; I think he looks so good you'd think I just bought a Mickey sticker or die cut. But no! I cut it with the Cricut and pieced it together. Gotta love my Cricut!

Tyler is a Star Wars fanatic, so of course I had to include some Star Wars stuff! I was shocked to discover that there are no Star Wars scrapbooking supplies. I guess I'd never looked for them before. Rotten timing, since I was told they should be coming out by the end of this month. It just would NOT be Tyler without Star Wars! I finally found a Star Wars sticker book at Toys R Us, and adapted. Just in case you were wondering, his favorite character is "Jango Fett--and all the Jedi."

The pictures at the bottom are from last Halloween--he was Darth Vader, and later made up as Darth Maul.

The final product:

It probably took way too much time, but it was oh so fun. How could it not be, since it involved my two favorite things--grandchildren and scrapbooking! Thanks for letting me do it, Erin!

Tagged

2009-05-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

I was tagged awhile ago and never followed through. The assignment is to post the 6th picture in the 6th folder on your computer, and tell about it. This is mine. My picture is of this sunset over the lake in Honeyville, Utah. This was taken when we visited in the summer of 2007. I'm planning a trip this August, and this reminds me why I'm excited to go; we always have so much fun there, and especially enjoy seeing what's new at the lake.

I have no idea who to tag, so consider yourself tagged if you read this and want to do it.

Confessions of a Peanut Butter Cup-a-holic

2009-05-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

I've gone through phases where I enjoy frozen yogurt as a fairly sinless treat. Usually at Golden Spoon, I choose the Peanut Butter or Pistachio, or one of the fruit flavors. But recently I read online--don't ask me how I came upon this--where someone was raving about Peanut Butter Cup. I'd never tried it, so a few weeks ago I stopped in and tried it. I am a believer! I doubt I'll ever order anything else--oh my gosh, it is yummy! Those first couple of bites are just like biting into a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

By the way, for anyone interested, the Regular size is only 3 points on WW (176 calories).

A New Fridge

2009-05-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it. This is a fairly boring, mundane subject. But, I'm happy about it. My current fridge is 16 years old (I'm pretty sure--maybe 17). I know it could probably last longer, but I think it's pretty much lived its life. It freezes anything that gets pushed too far to the back, and the freezer door does not close tightly any more; I'm sure it wastes lots of energy. Not to mention the door handle actually fell off a few months ago, and is impossible to replace. Here it is, in all it's glory....

I've been eyeing some replacement prospects for some time, and have decided I want one with a bottom freezer. Just seems nice to have everything you want most of the time at eye level, rather than having to bend down to peer into the mysterious frosty depths to find what you need. And lately I've been looking at the models with French doors.

Sooo, last weekend we went to Sears to investigate; I've shopped a lot online and had tentatively decided on the model I wanted. It pretty much had everything I needed, and Sears was advertising a 20% sale on appliances, so it seemed to be the time. We'd barely seen one or two when Jessica started having a seizure, so of course everything was put on hold while I dealt with her. I grabbed a nearby camp chair and plopped her in it, and after checking her blood sugar discovered it was very low. So that was the reason for the seizure, not one of her other many problems. Once I got her sugar up, we just got her to the car (with a lot of help from numerous sales people) and went back home. So there went the shopping expedition--it seems nothing is ever as simple as it should be.

However, before leaving I found out from the saleswoman (while waiting for the glucose tablets to work on Jessica) that there was going to be a "friends and family invitational sale" this weekend, which would give me an additional 10% off the appliance of my choice. 30% off sounds good to me! I'll wait to finish this post with pictures of the new fridge--I know y'all would be disappointed not to see it here.

5/8: So, here it is! And, as you can see by Jessica's Vanna White impression, she's fine too.

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-04-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

How lucky am I to have my own private pastry chef?! I could get very spoiled, I have to admit. When I came home from work one day last week, I found this adorable basket cake waiting for me. Not only was it the cutest thing ever, it was yummy! White cake with fresh strawberry filling. Thanks Erin--I loved it, and so did everyone at work!

Lee & Carol - Happy Anniversary!

2009-03-30T19:46:00.001-07:00

My oldest and best friends celebrated their 40th anniversary last week. I've known Lee & Carol since 1976. In my opinion, they are the ultimate example of a good marriage--truly partners who respect and support each other in all things. Together they have raised 4 wonderful children and now have five grandchildren (with more, surely, to come). They're each unique, but I can see their parents' influence and good example in all their lives. I have been honored and blessed to know Lee and Carol all these years, and to count them as the dearest of friends. The quality of my life has been immeasurably enhanced through this friendship, and I am absolutely grateful for them both.Their daughters and mine are the same ages and were such good friends when they were all young, and although they have scattered to different areas now, they have reconnected over the last several years, through the internet and especially through each of their blogs. Natalie and Sabrina asked Erin to make the cake for their family get-together this last weekend, and here is the result. They supplied this photo of their parents on their wedding day--are they not just the cutest? (I can hardly imagine Lee this young and beardless!)

I was happy to get to see Natalie and Sabrina on Saturday, when they met Erin at my house to pick up the cake. I haven't seen either of them in years, and it was a fun, though brief, visit.

Erin, Jessica, Natalie, and Sabrina, with two of Sabrina's four children, adorable Isabel and cute baby Hazel.

I am constantly amazed at Erin's ability to produce great cakes, and it has been especially fun for me a couple of times when I've been able to watch the process. She is SO talented, and I love watching her in action!

By the way, if you'd like to see more of her cakes, they're at: ecakes.blogspot.com.

Before and After

2009-03-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was grooming day for the dogs. There's not a big difference in Bella after the visit; she just smells better, and her coat is softer. All she gets is a shampoo and toenails cut. So what you see is pretty much what you get--before and after.

But Cocoa--now that's another story. HE is a completely different dog. This is how he looked on the way TO the groomer...

And here he is afterward. Does this look like the same guy? I don't think so. He got kind of a weird cut this time, but still it's a huge improvement. He smells better, and he's soft and "touchable" now.

He's such an old man! He's 12 years old now--look at all that white hair on his muzzle. His hair used to be all dark. (But then again, so did mine!)

The Cricut

2009-03-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, here's the Cricut Expression machine I've been raving about to everyone who will listen. (I'm sorry if I've bored you to death; just tell me to stop and I'll try.) I first saw the earlier version of it at a scrapbook expo a few years ago, and I've really wanted one ever since. I spent a pretty penny for it, as they say, so I'm counting on it to motivate me to get back working on scrapbook projects, which I've so neglected for the last year or so.

This machine pretty much does it all! There's no need for die cutting devices any more, and in fact I should get myself organized and sell all of my other die-cutting equipment on e-bay. This bad boy will cut virtually any shape, any size, and almost any texture up to 12 x 12 inches, and even, I hear, 12 x 24 inches (although I don't know how to do that yet). In fact, there's a lot I don't know how to do yet. I think I'm going to have to spend some serious study time with this machine, before it gets practical for me to use on a regular basis. I've tried some things out, but am not really good at it yet. I've been watching how-to videos on the internet, and reading the instruction book. But, I think it's going to be just spending time working with it that will do it for me. I was hoping to have actually made something to include with this post, but I haven't even done that yet. I've just tried a few random things, nothing I'd want to show off yet.

I've been following a great scrapbooking blog for the past few months, and am including some things from it to show what the Cricut can do (for any of you who are interested in this stuff). I want to give proper credit to the blog I got these from: thanks and credit to Robyn at thepinkstamper.blogspot.com. If you like scrapbooking and paper crafting, check out her blog.

Here's a cute little purse gift bag with a matching card; should be do-able even for me.

And wouldn't these make cute baby shower favors? Or a larger version could be a great gift wrap for your shower gift. There are just so many possibilities here. Again, from Robyn at The Pink Stamper.

Here's another cute thing that I really like--these little gift boxes with the flower on top. It's cut all in one piece, and you just fold it and put it together. I have to admit, though, I kind of tried it myself and, well, let's just say I wasn't quite as successful as Robyn. Mine didn't come out looking quite this cute, but I'm going to keep trying. I know I can do it! Next time I post something about the Cricut, it will include the projects I made, not Robyn's creations.

Memories

2009-02-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

I visited Erin, Tyler and Jaden tonight for a couple of hours (I am not ignoring Jeff--he was at work). We had dinner and then just played with the boys. They showed me their new bunkbeds, and we played monster truck crash (or some such thing). Then Erin played their beautiful new piano for me. I was struck by how beautiful and rich it sounded. Maybe it was the echo because the living room is still empty, but it was gorgeous. She played a couple of songs from Les Miserables, and then started playing something from Phantom. It was beautiful, and I was enjoying it. Then I asked her, "Did you buy that book?" (of sheet music). She answered that no, it had been something Jessica used to play.

All of a sudden, and without warning, my eyes were full of tears and I was actually crying (luckily the boys were playing upstairs by then). It just came back to me in such a rush, that yes, Jessica did used to play that very music. Within just a few seconds, everything that she has lost flashed through my mind. It was really quite overwhelming, and definitely surprising. It has been years since I've felt that, at least like that, so intensely. It has been over 13 years since her stroke; I think that I'm used to it. I pretty much don't think about it any more, most of the time, and would say that I'm used to Jessica--as she is now.

But I guess it is there, always, just under the surface, ready to bubble up and surprise me. It makes me feel guilty that I kind of think of her as who she is now, and not who she was, because who she was is the real Jessica (the good and the bad). No one else seems to really know or remember that, it seems, and I feel that I should--that someone should, and that should be me. I know there are no real rules about this kind of thing, but it just feels that at least her mother should remember who she is. Maybe the reason I cried was because I realized that sometimes I forget, and I don't think I should. I don't know.

Scrapbooking, Part Deux

2009-02-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

So, as planned, Alice and I went to the Scrapbook Expo at the O.C. Fairgrounds in Costa Mesa today. It was open from 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 p.m., although we were pretty much done—and done in—by 2:30 or so. We could have attended workshops and crops, but all we really wanted to do was wander through the two exhibit halls and browse, and maybe shop a little.

(Just a note—we didn’t pay $40 for our tickets, as shown in the picture; just $8 to get in when you don’t go for the all-day crops or workshops. I guess I just feel the need to explain that I’m not all that obsessed!)

So, somewhere along the way, and fairly early on (like by the second booth), our plan changed from mostly browsing to mostly shopping. It seemed that almost every booth we went to had some new and exciting item that was just “so CUTE!” That’s the word you hear most at these things, as in “Oooooh, Alice, look at this—it’s so CUTE!” But it was true, darn it.

I’m constantly amazed at the sheer numbers of new and creative things that people dream up to sell to us scrapbookers. I love going to these events, at least partly, just to see what’s new. Apparently I’m not the only one, as there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of us in the exhibit halls today—it was packed!

I, for one, am a sucker for cardstock and scrapbook papers—plains, patterns, prints, florals, seasonal, baby, paisley, heritage, funky. You name it, I love it! So even though I have more paper than I could ever reasonably expect to use in my lifetime, I did buy some more. This is pretty much my haul from today. Oh yeah--I also ordered an electronic cutting machine that I've had my eye on for, literally, years: the Cricut. I can't wait to get it in my hot little hands; I was told it would ship in a few days, so hopefully will be here by next weekend. I guess this means that the new Kindle I've been coveting on Amazon.com has to wait a few more months. Oh well.

I especially love a most versatile set of stamps that I bought today. I can see hundreds of uses for it. (It helped, immensely, that many of these uses were displayed on the wall of the booth where I bought it.) I generally need to copy my ideas (proves my claim that I'm definitely not innately creative); I loved it that lots of ideas were laid out for me today. This bare tree stamp lends itself to so many different uses, and I'm anxious to try some of them out. As I said in my last post, one of the reasons I wanted to go to the expo today was to get re-invigorated and enthused about scrapbooking again, to get moving on some projects I've had in mind for a long time. I'd say it was a success--I'm ready to go!

So, we had a great time, enjoyed the opportunity to indulge our hobby/obsession, and spend some relaxing time together talking and laughing. It's always rewarding to share with a friend--thanks, Alice!

Addendum 2/16: I had to add this. Alice reminded me at work today about the funniest thing that happened at the expo. Early in the day, we went to pay for a purchase, and the young woman taking our money looked at us and smiled sweetly. Then she said, "Two cute sisters." I realized, with sort of a shock, that she was talking about US! Now, this was wrong on so many levels. Yes, there were two of us--I'll give her that. But "cute," I don't think so. And sisters, come on... Other than both of us being old, we don't look a bit alike. Where did she get that idea? Then I realized that perhaps to someone as young as she is, maybe all old people look alike. You know, the old "they all look alike to me" phenomenon. Maybe? So, the rest of the day, we kept referring to each other as "Sistah."

Scrapbooking

2009-02-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've thought a lot about scrapbooking lately. The operative word here, unfortunately, is thought. I never seem to have time to actually do it anymore. When I used to work 12 hour shifts, I had four days off every week, and would be able to find time at least once a week. But since I've been working 5 days a week for the last almost 5 years, I never seem to have free time. Saturday is taken up with more chores than I can possibly accomplish, so I'm unable to take 3-4 hours out of that day for a hobby, while leaving more important things undone. Sunday is church, and catching up on lots of small projects. And then, before I know or am ready for it, Monday's here and the week starts all over. I never seem to have time, or more importantly, energy, on weeknights. At least not enough to do much more than the basic, essential stuff, and then fall into bed. I have tried scrapbooking on weeknights, and that does not work for me at all. Mainly because when I'm in the middle of a project I just don't get tired--I will just keep going until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. Now that absolutely does not work, because the morning alarm does not, sadly, accommodate itself to the time I finally got to sleep. After three or four hours of sleep, I'm just not ready to face most weekdays. So, long ago I decided never to scrapbook on weeknights. That works for me as far as getting enough sleep, but it doesn't get any scrapbooking done. I really miss it, though; it was relaxing and immensely rewarding.

I've always said that the appeal of scrapbooking for me is that it lets me feel creative when I know I am not (but so want to be); I love that. I still hang on to all of my supplies (and believe me, there's a ton of them), in the hopes that when and if I ever am actually able to retire, I'll have endless free days, many of which I hope to devote to this highly addictive hobby. Lately I tell people, when they ask if I have any hobbies, "I used to scrapbook, but now I just buy and collect scrapbooking supplies!" If I never purchased another item, I could probably scrapbook for several years and not run out of supplies.

Having said all this, now comes this confession: I'm going with my friend Alice to the Scrapbook Expo in Orange County next weekend. No doubt I'll buy more stuff, because I absolutely cannot resist the clever new items they keep coming up with. My only concession to any kind of restraint is that I will take a set amount of cash (okay, amount still to be determined) and won't spend any more than that. Whenever I attend one of these events, I get excited and feel so motivated to get going again. So, I'm going to hope that it does that for me this weekend, and that I can find some way to actually get going on some projects I've been thinking about for awhile, a long while.

Heartstrings

2009-01-31T17:15:00.001-08:00

Is there anything better? Than grandchildren, I mean. I don't think so. I took this picture of Tyler and Jaden last weekend; we went to check out the park near their new home. I'm sure when most people look at this picture, they see two pretty cute boys. When I look at it, though, something almost physical happens in my heart (and no, I don't think it's just my pacemaker firing). It's taken me a lot of years to finally understand the saying "tugging at my heartstrings." Oh, how I love these boys!

Closet Envy

2009-01-31T16:35:00.001-08:00

Let me start by saying that I don't in the least begrudge Erin her new house. I love it and I'm so happy that she has it. I'm excited for her and Jeff and the boys, happy that they are in this great new home, in what looks to be a great neighborhood. And of course I'm thrilled they're now so close to me that much more frequent visiting will be possible. The only thing I'll freely admit to is a fair amount of closet envy. I don't know if there's a real word that describes the feeling, but I bet you know what I mean if you don't have enough closets or storage space in your house.

When I bought my house 11 years ago, I was not thinking about closets when I looked at the models, and even when I did my walk-through right before getting the keys to my new home. It wasn't until we were moved in, probably the first time I went to put away the vacuum cleaner. I literally walked all around the downstairs, looking for some kind of a closet. Guess what? There wasn't one. Upstairs, there's a small linen closet. That's it. The bedrooms have the requisite closets, of course, and there's a nice walk-in closet in the master bedroom. But there is nary a single spot for storage downstairs. The kitchen storage space is pretty slim, too, with only a few cupboards and not a whole lot of counter space. It has been fine, however, and I haven't lamented this lack too very much all these years.

Until now. When I went through Erin's perfect new house last week, that was definitely what I came away with--the feeling that I was jealous of all that storage space. I shopped at Costco today, and when I came home the first thing I thought was, "If I was Erin, I'd have no problem trying to figure out where to put this stuff!" Or maybe I actually
would have a problem--choosing between all the options! This walk-in linen closet alone is enough to die for, as they say. (It actually looks bigger in person, if you can believe it.)

And then there's the kitchen. Let's see, how many cupboards? And how many feet of counter space? And just in case there aren't quite enough cupboards, there's the gigantic walk-in pantry. Hmmm. I told Erin that she doesn't have an excuse to ever have anything out of place. I don't want to hear it. Yes, I think I am suffering from closet envy. I admit it. I know, it's not pretty.

Wake up, Jessica!!!

2009-01-25T20:37:00.000-08:00

Recently a helpful "friend" suggested to me that I should just "make Jessica get up at a decent time," that she would feel better and it would be better for her. This came about because she sometimes misses church or other things that happen in the morning. She simply can NOT get up early. And if she does, she pays for it later, and ends up feeling terrible and needing to sleep during the day. I was explaining to this "friend" that she takes a boatload of pills in the morning and again at night, most of which have sleepiness as their main side effect. Not to mention my awareness that people whose brain is starved for oxygen, as hers is because of her Moyamoya disease, simply need more sleep than people with healthy, well-oxygenated brains do, and in fact cannot function without it.

So tonight when I was getting her meds ready for the upcoming week, I snapped these pictures. This is the handful of pills she takes every morning, and there is a similar or larger batch in the evening.

Sometimes I wish people would keep their helpful comments and suggestions to themselves, especially when they really don't know what they're talking about. And I'm very grateful for real friends (and I feel blessed and grateful that they are in the vast majority) who make the effort to try to understand the situation before they start suggesting helpful solutions.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe a little. Sometimes.

The Perfect House

2009-01-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

We went to see Erin & Jeff's new house in Beaumont this afternoon. I have to say, it is THE perfect house. I took lots of inside pictures too, but they just moved in and things aren't "just so" yet, and I didn't think Erin or Jeff would appreciate me sharing them at this point. Let me just say this: I have never seen so many cupboards, closets, shelves, and storage spaces before. I told Erin I had expected to be impressed by the kitchen and maybe the master bedroom/bath, but I think I came away more in love with the closets than anything else. How crazy is that? I cannot imagine that they will ever fill all these spaces up, although I'm sure they will--eventually. I can see them living happily there forever. In fact, Jeff says he hopes to retire there, and I believe he will. My second favorite part of this move is that it's only 30 minutes from my house. I see lots of Sunday dinners, Saturday visits, soccer/baseball games, and school programs in my future, something that Blythe made impossible at 2 1/2 hours away. It is a beautiful house, perfect for them. But the best part is I know they'll make it a loving home.

Old Friends

2009-01-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

Exploring the world of Facebook recently has reminded me how much I treasure old friends. It has been rewarding to find some of them with whom I have been out of touch of late, some for quite a long time. I have a little plaque in my kitchen that says "The best antiques are old friends." It's true. There's nothing (at least for me) like having a history with people. Friends might mean a bit more to me, perhaps, because I don't have family, really. My father wasn't in my life for years, and passed away a few years ago. My mother has been dead for many years. Regrettably, I have been out of touch with my only sibling, my younger sister, for many years. I have very little extended family, as well; two aunts with whom I am in contact via e-mail and fairly infrequent phone calls.

I recently gave my friend Carol a plaque (second "plaque" reference--do I sense a theme here?) which reads "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves." (I stole this picture from her blog--thank you, Carol.) That is how I feel about my closest friends; they sustain me, as I can only imagine family would, or should. I don't know how much closer I could feel to them if they were family; they are what I do have, and I am grateful--I love them.

I've noticed as I've gotten older that I don't seem to have much of an interest in making new friends. Other than people who come into my life through work, and who I see on a daily basis--some of whom have indeed become very good friends--I have little opportunity, and admittedly make little effort, to meet new people. Maybe that's why old friends are even more treasured. I wonder--is this an "aging" thing, or is it just me? Or is it just the manifestation of a basically introverted nature? Maybe introverts just like the ease of relating to people who have known us forever, just so we can save ourselves the effort (and initial discomfort) of forming new relationships.

Hmmm... This isn't where I thought this was going. Sometimes this process takes on kind of a stream-of-consciousness, journaling sort of thing. Is that good, or just TMI? I wonder.

Just as I was posting this entry, I saw this quote on the sidebar of my blog, a quote from John Quincy Adams: "A man's diary is a record in youth of his sentiments, in middle age of his actions, in old age of his reflections." Ah, here's the answer to my question already. I'm just "reflecting."

Seinfeld

2009-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

We were talking at lunch today about the influence this show has had on our society, how often it is referenced in everyday conversation. Yada-yada, low- and high-talkers, even close talkers. There was the Soup Nazi -- "No soup for you!" There's "re-gifter," "mimbo," and "man-hands." Wikipedia says that "the Seinfeld community can draw upon a whole lexicon of Seinfeldian code words and recurring phrases."

There are so many times that everyday conversation reminds me of an episode or a character or a situation from the show. I'm not sure I really understand exactly what the appeal of the show is for me, actually. It's not that I have a single thing in common with any of the characters, or can actually relate to them in any way. Also, it's not like any of the characters are one bit admirable. It's funny, too, because usually I don't enjoy sitcoms; there isn't one single sitcom that I regularly watch this season, or for the last decade of seasons, actually. I just really enjoyed this one, and still do; it seems that the more often I watch it, the more I laugh. Sometimes when I'm doing mindless chores, I put it on in the background, and I even enjoy it that way. I know it so well I don't have to really pay attention, but I always know the great lines coming up, and I'll stop and watch them.

One appeal the show had for me, when I stop to think about it (as I'm doing now), is the continuity of storylines within shows and between shows throughout the seasons. Often characters or situations from past episodes are referenced, and you must know the connection to fully enjoy the joke. That might be why watching it over and over again continues to appeal, because I am reminded of those connections. Sometimes I'm surprised by how many of these little seemingly unrelated "in jokes" are included in a single episode. I think this is why, too, people who try to pick up a random episode here and there will often say, "I don't get it." They mean, of course, that it doesn't seem funny to them, or they don't understand why the show was so popular. It might be one of those "you had to be there" things. Often, individual situations are admittedly not funny. When Newman appears at Jerry's door, you know way before he says it that Jerry's reaction is going to be to spit out the words "Hello, Newman!" as though they have a particularly disgusting taste in his mouth. Elaine says, "GET OUT!" in response to great news, as she knocks the person delivering the news to the floor. On their own, these things would not be funny; it's the whole history of the relationships and behaviors that somehow makes it so.

When the finale aired in 1998, there was lots of discussion that it couldn't possibly live up to the hype that preceded it. I remember people talking about being disappointed by the finale. But whenever I watch the final episodes in reruns, I find them quite satisfying; it does in two shows what all the previous seasons did, but in a concentrated format. It brings back many, many of the characters and brings to mind all of the situations they were involved in. You just have to laugh. At least I do.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-01-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

Rosa Parks in the 1960's (with Martin Luther King in the background). Also, in her mugshot after her infamous arrest on the bus.

In her later years. I believe she died in 2005.

I am watching the movie "The Rosa Parks Story" on TV today, with Angela Bassett as Parks. I recommend it; it would be educative for people who are not familiar with her story. I think too many people forget (or don't really even believe) how things really were then. I decided to do at least some small thing to think of and honor Dr. King today. Granted, this isn't much, but my heart is there.

I watched the Obama Inauguration concert yesterday, and admit to feeling a long-forgotten hope for the future of race relations that I used to feel when I listened to Dr. King speak. I also listened to King's entire "I Have A Dream" speech from 1963, and was instantly brought back to that time, when I was 15 years old and very affected by the civil rights movement. I was especially touched to see Pete Seeger (who must be 90 or so) there, leading the other performers and thousands in the audience in singing "This Land Is Your Land;" that brought back so many memories of that time and that song as my introduction to folk music, which I love to this day. Ideas about fairness and right and wrong were implanted in my mind and in my heart, through both the movement and the music; I could not have foreseen how they would influence me for the rest of my life, but they certainly have, and I believe for the better (although not always easier).

The Adventures of Bella and Cocoa

2009-01-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

Michael suggested this title when I first discussed blogging with him. Some days it does feel like this is my life. I just dropped both dogs off at the vet for the day.

I can see why Bella was given up by her first owners. She is huge (164 pounds as of this morning when I weighed her at the vet's) and has lots of "issues." She's timid, won't even go through a partially opened door unless she can squeeze through without touching it. She has major allergies, and although we haven't pinpointed the cause for sure of all of them, it appears grass is the main offender. How exactly does one get a dog to avoid grass? She's on medication which has worked well for some months, but lately is no longer effective. The poor thing goes around shaking her head constantly, because of her itching ears. She chews on the insides of her itching paws to the point where they get raw. So I think we're going to have to go to the next step, which I believe will be injections. I can't even imagine what that's going to cost! Additionally, she's very insecure and has a lot of anxiety, which manifests itself in chewing behavior. Now this might be just irritating with a little "puffball" doggie, but when you put Mastiff jaws into this activity, you have major damage!

The first picture is our satellite remote BEFORE Bella... and the second one is obviously after--the whole top is gone!

So we have learned to be careful never to leave her alone. We put her in a crate when we leave the house for a few hours, and she's perfectly happy and secure in there, just goes calmly and quickly to sleep. And I've learned to let her sleep in my bedroom with me, and she's perfectly happy. As long as she can see one of "her people," she's happy and absolutely perfect. Poor anxiety-ridden puppy.

Then there's Cocoa. He's our old man Cocker Spaniel, now 12 years old. Seems he's gone deaf somewhere in the last year or so. He also suffers from some anxiety, it seems, as he has the charming habit of howling hysterically whenever he's left alone. And this includes being downstairs at night when we're upstairs sleeping. We hear him "singing" when we leave the house. These little songs usually last about 60-90 seconds, and then he's quiet. But they are increasing in frequency, it seems, so I asked the vet this morning about maybe getting medication for him too, maybe some "puppy Prozac"? Maybe going deaf makes this happen; I've heard that when dogs lose their hearing they tend to bark more, just to hear themselves. Who knows. All I know is that it's very irritating and embarrassing; I'm surprised our neighbors have not reported us for beating him. He sounds exactly like a dog who is being beaten and tortured. My friend Claudia referred to him as "psycho dog" when she heard him over the phone. Once the screaming is over, he settles down and goes back to being quite normal--until the next time!

So after reading this litany of issues, I see why Michael suggested the title. I'm sure any non-dog people reading this cannot even imagine why I would put myself through all of this, and it's impossible to explain to those people. And I even read this and say good grief! Why on earth do I put up with it? Well, Cocoa is too old to find a new home; I feel committed to him just because it wouldn't be fair. And with Bella, even though she is a far bigger headache, Jessica and I both just really love her. She's the sweetest dog I've ever known, and I've had a lot of them over the years, so even with all her problems I'm keeping her too.

I have said, though--and my plan is to stick to this--that when these dogs go to puppy heaven, that's it. No more dogs! I'm done. And after re-reading this post, I feel justified, and think this is a good plan!

Lists

2009-01-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

It is Saturday morning, the beginning of a long weekend. Endless potential at this moment. I woke up this morning thinking of how much I want (need) to get done this long weekend. Almost immediately, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that there is no possible way to accomplish even a portion of what I'm thinking about. I realized that this often is my thought process, and it severely limits my ability to complete a lot of things that would be possible without this negative tendency of mine.

The process goes like this. I think about the enormity of the job(s), either individually or in number. Then my almost-ever-present negative thought process takes over. For instance, this morning my thoughts ran this way. The project list includes all the usual suspects for a Saturday:
1) laundry
2) vacuuming
3) trimming hedges in front yard
4) sweeping the porch
5) getting rid of the Christmas lights that are still on the house
6) buying groceries
7) cleaning out the fridge and maybe the freezer
8) paying bills
9) going through and dealing with the week's mail
10) taking Jessica to do something (mostly just to get her out of the house-- she's usually quite satisfied with just a quick shopping trip to Target or Wal-Mart)
11) making phone calls for a church assignment
12) making phone calls to firm up some arrangements for some of Jessica's
medical needs and appointments for the next few weeks
13) it's Stake Conference this weekend, so factor in this evening's meeting

That's pretty much the list for today, for a start; I know there are items I'm forgetting, and will add later. Then, because this is a long weekend, I start thinking that I should take advantage of that and get more done. After all, when is the next three-day weekend? I don't even know, but I suspect it's quite a while down the road. I wanted to go out to Blythe to help Erin & Jeff pack for their move next week, but realized I'd have to get my car into the shop first because I don't like the way it's sounding lately (it is getting old after all, just like its owner), and don't want to drive the 350-plus mile round trip without getting it checked out. So, I should squeeze in a visit to the mechanic somehow today too. Right away I realized that's probably not going to happen, so I scrap the idea and put that off until Monday, which eliminates the Blythe trip.

So, the additional projects I feel like I should take on include:

* Finally taking the time to sit down with the owners manuals of the two new digital picture frames I got for Christmas and figuring out how to get them to actually work.

* Getting the new DVD/VCR player/recorder I bought some time ago (quite a few weeks ago, actually) working with my satellite system and current component set-up. This is a project which gets delayed because I know, from bitter experience, that it will entail a protracted phone call to at least one 800 number and many minutes on hold, followed by lots of complicated instructions and physical maneuvering that I may or may not be able to accomplish. End result: I end up feeling incompetent and still don't have the thing working, and it stays leaned up against the wall where it is now, and I've wasted a couple of hours of my precious weekend.

* Taking my laptop to get it fixed (it's on the verge of a serious crash, I know it). Prior to doing this, however, I need to back up some things on it, because it's going to require a system restore and I want to make sure some important pictures and files are saved. Sound simple, I know, but when I try to back up, there's a glitch and it won't work, so again I end up spending precious time in an unsuccessful pursuit, and end up irritated and frustrated.

* Getting the paperwork together for the exercise bike that arrived damaged when delivered a couple of months ago (yes months!). The company that sold it has conveniently gone out of business, so the manufacturer will work with me but I need to actually find documents and communicate with them about the issue. They say they'll replace the parts, but I see then having to disassemble the thing and putting the new parts together. I can get help with this project, I know, but for some reason it just seems overwhelming right now and I keep avoiding it.

* Finishing the room that I painted in September. We put the treadmill and the new exercise bike (above), along with a TV and shelves with most of our movies in there. Seemed like a productive use of an extra bedroom. Just haven't had the oomph to get in there and get it finished!

* Working on painting Jessica's bedroom and getting it put back together. It's been torn apart in preparation for a long time, and I've been promising her for months, and even bought the paint a long time ago. Again, just haven't been able to get myself in there to actually do the darn work.

And then there are the ever-present even larger projects:

* Work on getting shutters for the downstairs windows, to replace the mini-blinds that have been there for almost 11 years and were, after all, "only temporary"
* Get the kitchen faucet repaired
* Get Jessica's bathroom fixed (the crummy, lifting-up linoleum replaced with tile, and the bathtub leak stopped)
* Get the nightmare that used to be a car-parking garage (that is now just a huge, embarrassing junk pile) cleaned out--again!
* Get the downstairs carpet and linoleum replaced with tile
* Get rid of a lot of "junk" (my definition, maybe not Jessica's) that we took
out of her old craft room when we converted it to our someday hopefully usable exercise room
* Do something about the ruined grass in the back yard--don't even know where to start there! (Courtesy of our canine friend Bella, the 150-plus pound English Mastiff who voids gallons of grass-killing urine every day.)

There are others--quite a few, in fact--but this list gives the idea, I think. I am a list-maker, and generally it makes me feel better to make lists of projects and then feel some sense of accomplishment as I cross off the finished ones. But I'm finding with this particular list, especially the "big projects" list, I just keep making the list. I don't seem to ever finish it, and that is definitely contributing to a different feeling--not a good one. It's reinforcing the negativity, i.e. "I'll never get this done," "I'm completely incompetent," "Why don't I ever finish any of this" etc. Confirms for me that the negativity is right, even though my head tells me to think differently.

Interestingly, I started writing this entry at about 7:00-something this morning, and it's now 10:45. I've done quite a few of the items on the top list, actually, and am still working on others. (Had to take a break to catch my breath.) Writing this down helped, though, in a funny way. I think in a way it makes me accountable to someone, even though I don't know who, if anyone, might be reading it. So when, and if, I ever do accomplish any of those bigger projects, I can maybe post the accomplishment on this blog and report on my progress.

So, now I'm committing myself, and posting. I'll report later on my progress, if any.

"BO"

2009-01-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have posted a picture here of Tyler, from this Christmas, and was starting to feel bad that Jaden wasn't represented here too (by himself). After all, I don't want to play favorites, and certainly didn't want to neglect this little guy. I didn't get any good shots of him at Christmas, though. He wasn't feeling very good that day, and he doesn't want to be the star of my pictures these days, it seems.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him, taken in Utah in August of 2007. So he was a lot younger, then, but I think he still looks pretty much the same. I just love that crooked little smile--it just melts my heart! He's so full of mischief, but is SO cute about it that no one can get very upset with him--especially his mom, who often tells me how "stinkin' cute" he is, usually after she's described in detail his latest nefarious pursuit. Look at that face -- who could argue with her about the "stinkin' cute" part?

He reminds me so much of Erin when she was little--so quiet, reserved, and shy in public, but an absolute nutcase and clown at home. That's our Bo!

One might wonder how a boy named Jaden Christopher got the nickname "Bo." It happened when he was very little. His parents would always say "Jaden Bo Baden," and pretty quickly that just became Bo, or Bo-Bo. He told his mom just recently that he didn't want to be called Bo any more, just Jaden. But we're hoping he forgets that, because it's hard to give up Bo -- somehow it just seems to fit him. (Maybe it's the clown connection. Get it? Bo-Bo?)

I almost didn't post this picture, thinking I should put a current picture here. But then I thought, "Hey, this is my blog, so I'm allowed to post whatever I want!" And since I love this picture, I'll post this picture! My blog, my rules. Ya know, I think I could learn to like this power.

I Am A Child Of God

2009-01-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend at church today about this song. She mentioned how she felt when she would hear it years ago, returning to church as a young adult after her family's long inactivity. She said, "it stung" to hear the words. I knew exactly what she meant before she even explained herself.

"I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, Has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear."

Her comment was, "You know, not everyone comes to homes with parents who are kind and dear." When you hear those words, and you are not one of the fortunate ones who had such parents, it does indeed sting. Hers were my thoughts exactly. She has come to the same place as I have, though, in her thinking. She described how she explains it to her children: "I have done so much better than my parents did with me, and I expect you to do much better than I have with your children and family." That's what I have always hoped, too.

And I've been fortunate enough to see that hope come to fruition. I now have two wonderful grandsons, and they have indeed been sent to "parents kind and dear." They are blessed in this regard, and I hope they are able to see and appreciate this good fortune of theirs as they grow older. I remind them all the time, as I find myself saying, "Aren't you lucky you have such a good Mom?" or "Isn't it nice that your Dad takes such good care of you?" I want them to be aware that they are indeed blessed to have such good parents.

And now when I hear "I Am A Child Of God," my initial thoughts are not what they used to be. My first thought is not of myself, but of those boys, and what a blessing they are in my life. And how blessed they have been to have been sent to "parents kind and dear." Time does indeed heal, if not all, at least many wounds.

Mildred's Sunshine

2009-01-02T23:21:00.000-08:00

I was my grandmother's first grandchild (gotta love those bangs!), and I was pretty much the apple of her eye. I never understood that, when I was young, and even after I had children of my own. My parents weren't the kind who cherished their children, and I'm not sure parents can even really do that, at least not the way grandparents can. Maybe some can, but mine certainly didn't, so couldn't model that for me. And although I'm sure she had not been like that with her own children, she sure did cherish me. My grandma was only 39 when I was born--I can't even imagine that (I was 54 when Tyler was born). Everything, absolutely everything, they tell you about how you're going to feel about your grandchildren is true--and then some. And to my great benefit, my grandmother felt it for me. It is another of the bonds I feel with her, this cherishing of grandchildren, that I know my mother never felt, was not even capable of feeling, apparently.

I've been thinking about my grandmother at this time of year, as I always do at New Years. New Year's Eve was her parents' wedding anniversary, and it was always a very meaningful time for her. As I think about her, what I remember most is how she felt about me, and what a unique relationship I had with her. No one else in my life came close to having the positive impact on me that she did. No one else loved me like she did, plain and simple. There were many ways in which her love was problematic, especially as I got older, but the important thing is this--I am sure that her open adoration of me when I was young is what saved me. Because of her, I knew there was someone, some one, to whom I was critically important. My parents were quite dysfunctional, as individuals and certainly as parents, and very absorbed by their own problems; they loved me, but only in their limited way. My only uncle, although I'm sure he loved me too, could be sarcastic, and was scary in some ways. Yes, my grandma was unique in my life, and I'm grateful to her. With the births of my own grandchildren Tyler and Jaden, I understand something else about her; I finally understand exactly how she felt about me. I pray that I can have the positive impact in their lives that she had in mine.

She frequently sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me; it was "our song." I knew for sure that I was indeed like the sun's shine to her. When I got older, I even felt guilty about how much more she loved me than my sister and my three cousins. I was her first, and I think I retained that unique place in her heart for the rest of her life. I can look at it as an adult and see how immature of her, in a way, it was that she couldn't open her heart to her other grandchildren to the same degree she did for me, and certainly how unfair to them that was. It was especially hurtful, I think, to my sister, because she didn't have parents who could buffer Grandma's obvious preference for me. But as a young child, as the little girl in this picture, all I could do was bask in the glow of her love. As I said, it saved me.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T17:57:00.000-08:00

Another new year. It makes me wonder, as new years always do, what lies ahead for us this year. I think about my children and grandchildren, my friends, and myself. Erin and Jeff are getting their wonderful new house in Beaumont finally; that's certainly a good and exciting development. Tyler will be going to a new school, and surely he'll miss his wonderful teacher in Blythe, and all of his friends at school and church. But I know he'll thrive wherever he is; he just has that in him. Jaden will make new friends in his new neighborhood too, and actually he's young enough he may never even remember living in Blythe when he's older. Hopefully Jeff will get transferred so he won't have that impossible commute for too long. And Erin will LOVE her new home, I know, especially that fabulous kitchen! (I think I've been suffering from kitchen envy--see photo, you'll understand.)

They'll be closer to us by two hours, making it practical to visit for an afternoon or evening, or to babysit on occasion, etc., when they're only a half hour away. All that is good and exciting for sure!

I hope there is something good in store for Michael and Jessica as well. I don't know what those things might be, especially for Michael. I guess I should say I just hope that he gets what he wants, whatever that might be, and that he is happy. For Jessica, mostly I just hope for good health. That might be an overstatement; perhaps all I mean is that she might have "okay" health, without any major downward turns, as has seemed to be the general trend the last few years.

I think about being another year older myself, and that reminds me of how my grandmother used to talk so frequently about being older and closer to death. She would always say things like, "This is the last car I'll ever buy," or "I know I won't ever ________ again." We teased her mercilessly about this tendency of hers, but I have to admit I completely understand how she felt, now that I'm older myself, and feel quite repentent about how we used to pick on her. I think about these things all the time myself now. Not in a maudlin way, not with any particularly negative feeling. Just being more aware of it. I never thought about such things when I was 30, for instance; it never would have occurred to me. I find myself feeling kind of curious about how much time I do actually have left in this life. I sometimes wish I knew, although I know that probably wouldn't be a good thing. I know my grandma had no one to talk to about all of this, except for us, and we certainly weren't receptive, and definitely were not understanding. She didn't have any friends, for whatever reason, or any relatives who were contemporaries--just us. I don't know how I would manage without friends to talk to, and feel sorry for her, looking back, for how lonely she must have felt. So, Grandma, here's to you! This coming April 14th would have been your 100th birthday--I wish you were here so we could talk about this, now that I think I understand what you were thinking and feeling. We could have a good time comparing notes. No one would listen to you then, but you and I certainly could chew on this one now!

Where are the pictures?

2008-12-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

I was going to work on getting some photos in here, but then a new development. Jessica hurt her foot today, possibly another broken bone. We RICE'd it (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and put it in the brace she's used twice already this year, in April and September. I had just told her the other day that she's already broken bones twice this year, so NO MORE! Clearly, she didn't listen. She evidently twisted it coming down the stairs, somehow. I'll try to get her in to see the orthopedist tomorrow to get an x-ray, but really didn't see the need to rush off to an ER tonight. Kind of sad that this is getting so commonplace.

Sometimes I wonder... Where is this going? I thought about whether it would have mattered if someone had been with her today, and I don't think so. If I'd been home, she still could have, and probably would have, slipped coming down the stairs. If someone else had been staying with her, same thing. So I'm not sure how to protect her from these things happening. I do think that at some point she will not be able to stay home alone, and I always tell myself that I'll know when that time comes. But sometimes I wonder... what will that look like? Will I really know? And how will I accomplish that anyway, since I'm not yet able to retire and stay home full time myself. I cannot see her living in a nursing home situation, can't bear the thought. A group home or assisted living situation of some kind? Hiring someone to stay with her 9-10 hours a day while I work? She adamantly does NOT want a "babysitter." And even if she agreed, or if I insisted without her agreement, could I really even afford that? I don't think so. So what options are there? That's always the question, and the answer always is the same... I don't know. At least not yet.

These thoughts seem to occupy an inordinate amount of my time. I think I just keep hoping/praying that she can hold out, relatively unscathed, until I can manage to be home full time, and most of the time I think that's a real possibility. Every time something like this happens, though, it makes me question whether that's a realistic expectation, whether I'm deluding myself just because I so want to believe it.

So, at the end of the day, where does that leave her, us? Same as always--no clear answer.

Merry Christmas Tyler!

2008-12-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

This was one of Tyler's Christmas gifts - an hourglass from his Uncle Michael. Turns out he'd been wanting one for a long time. Who knew? His dad says that when they were looking at model homes during their recent house hunting expeditions, Tyler wanted them to buy a particular house, and when asked why, he said it was because "it was the one that had the hourglass." He assumed, I guess, that the decorations came with the house (not an unreasonable expectation from his point of view, I suppose). I think this was his favorite gift, aside from the electronic stuff, i.e. Wii games. Erin tells me that every time she saw the hourglass the next day, it was draining sand, so obviously he'd been turning it over all day long. A hit, Uncle Michael!

Why call it "Jane's Aire?"

2008-12-27T14:18:00.001-08:00

I guess I should explain why I titled this blog "Jane's Aire." Although I'm not sure of the reasons myself, and am hopeful they might become clearer to me as time passes, I thought I'd try. The book Jane Eyre was very meaningful to me as a child. I read it innumerable times, cried over it endlessly, and mostly daydreamed about it. The characters were as real to me as the members of my family, the people in my neighborhood, or the children in my classrooms; I identified with several of them, depending on my mood and/or situation at the time. When I first thought the other day about doing a blog myself, for some reason Jane Eyre popped into my head. I'm not sure of the reasons, but it was a strong feeling. And when I tried to think of other, perhaps more appropriate names, I could think of none. Hence, I'm going with my version--Jane's Aire. And I'll see what, if anything, develops.

Why a blog?

2008-12-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

I've been following several blogs for the last six months or so. I've found it most interesting and rewarding. I have reconnected with some old friends, and children of old friends, through both their facebook entries and their blogs. I was talking to my son the other day about how much I enjoyed it, but needing to "get a life" before having anything to blog about myself. I don't see myself as one who would have anything interesting to say, that any readers would find of value. I certainly don't go anywhere interesting, or do much of anything that would interest anyone to read about.

But then I realized that I don't look at the blogs that interest me for those reasons at all. I see them as a way to get to know their creators better, to gain insight into the workings of their minds, to get a glimpse into their lives. I so appreciate how diverse they are, and what unique and very different things each of them offers. I find it almost as equally fascinating to read the seemingly mundane details of day-to-day life as it is to read some of the very most personal and meaningful events in their lives. I find myself appreciating the writers for sharing both. I am fascinated by how people think, why they do what they do, what interests and intrigues them, what challenges they face; their blogs allow me access to those very kinds of things.

When I looked at blogging from that perspective, it occurred to me that perhaps I could do the same, and maybe someone who knows me would be interested in what I have to say in these areas as well. If not, it could, at the very least, serve as a journaling and maybe even therapeutic experience for me, creating a framework in which to record my own musings. I've always found it illuminating to write about experiences, thoughts, problems, etc. So maybe I'll do it in a more public forum, and just see how it goes.

So, with that introduction, I'll give it a shot. Maybe it will take on a more specific focus at some point--or not. We'll just have to see how it goes...