On a more positive note...

Here are the rest of the pictures from the Sena Zimmer sitting in March. I love every one of them, and am no longer so keenly aware of all the great shots we left behind. The ones we got are great, and capture so well this family I love so much.

About $$$

At the outset, I'll warn you that this is going to be somewhat of a rambling post. A stream-of-consciousness sort of thing. I've been thinking a lot about money of late. Partly because I'm thinking about retiring, and that process involves figuring out how to manage the financial part of it. I'm thinking about how this will change my life--mostly in fabulously good ways, but in one big negative way. I'm going to have to resume a way of living that I spent too many years in, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I hope I have the emotional strength, the maturity, to do it gracefully. I know it can be done, as many people do it, but I guess I'm not sure I, myself, have the ability to accomplish it.

Now when you read these words, and see the accompanying pictures, you might wonder what possible connection there is between the two. That's what I meant about rambling. But, trust me, there is a connection. I will try to explain it for you, but mainly I think I'm trying to explain it to myself.

I am fascinated, some might say obsessed, by pictures (it's no coincidence that I have been obsessed with scrapbooking for the last 8-9 years). I love beautiful landscape photos, and am drawn to scenes of garden gates, doorways and windows, homes and cottages. But mostly it's all about pictures of the people I love, especially my children and now, more than anything, my grandchildren.

One of the most profound memories--regrets--I have from the time that my own children were young was that I never had a professional family portrait taken, or even a picture of the children individually or as a group that wasn't taken at Sears or somewhere like that. And almost every one of those Sears portraits has a memory attached to it - myself sitting and choosing that "free 8x10" and agonizing--suffering!--over all the good shots that I had to decline. I could not afford to buy them, and it was almost physically painful to sit there and act like I really didn't like them all that much. It was too hard for me to admit, felt almost shameful to admit, that I just couldn't afford to buy the other poses. (Why it felt actually shameful is probably fodder for more than one therapy session in itself.) More than once I remember taking that free shot, and maybe the barest minimum of an additional package, walking out to my car, and sitting there behind the wheel and crying over it, before I could pull myself together to take my picture and go home.

So, here's the beginning of the connection I'm trying to make here. Last Christmas I found a wonderful photographer in Glendora, Sena Zimmer. My friend Grace had had some family pictures done by her and I'd seen and admired them. I decided to give Erin and Jeff a sitting with Sena as a gift for Christmas. I was thrilled to be able to do it, and honestly (since I am being honest here--what would be the point of this post if I weren't), I think it was more for me than for them. It certainly did fill a need--of mine.

These are some of the photos of the children from that sitting; I was so incredibly happy with the result!

I find, however, as I study these photos, that even long before I do retire and drastically reduce my income, I already regret that I most likely won't be able to do something like this again. This specific thing is not the focus, I guess; I am grateful for this group of photos, but will happily leave it to Erin and Jeff to provide future pictures (luckily Erin likes them as much as I do, and I'm grateful for that). But that train of thought brings to mind what I will be returning to. Once again, as has been the case most of my life, I won't be able to afford things like this. What I'm thinking about, I guess, is what else I may not be able to afford. The last few years I've actually earned what feels like "enough" money, and it has been amazing. It is so incredibly different; I am reminded of this difference, in hundred of little ways, almost on a daily basis. I don't come close to taking it for granted. I guess "enough" money is different for everyone; I am very aware that many many people would find my current income to be extremely limiting and restrictive, while others might feel wildly wealthy. For me, it has just been such a relief to finally feel able to pay bills and have something, anything, left over. Almost every single time I pay a utility bill, for instance, I still recall how humiliating it was to have the phone, gas, or electricity turned off for non-payment--there was a period of several years when that was not an uncommon occurrence. It's not like I dwell on these thoughts excessively, but they do pop up, ever so briefly. Most of all, this relatively new life has meant feeling comfortable enough to afford an occasional extravagance like these professional portraits--at least what feels like an extravagance to me (after all those free 8x10 Sears experiences).

I suppose that someone who has always had enough money (whatever "enough" is for them) probably can never really understand this difference. I'm not always sure that I do, completely. I just know that I wonder how I will cope with going back to where I was for so many years; there is not a little amount of anxiety attached to this. What I hope is that I'm able to focus on what I do have (including especially time, precious time), and not what I don't. Those who know me well know that I am by nature a pessimist; I struggle with this, make every effort to focus on positive things, but recognize that it is always, indeed, a struggle. If there were one thing I could magically change about myself, it would definitely be this. The fact that I've worked on this for almost 20 years, and haven't completely succeeded, tells me that there is no magical change in store. I'm still working on it, though.

Maybe once I do retire and have some more of that precious time available, I'll work on learning to take more professional-looking photos myself! As you can see by these pictures, I certainly have the perfect subjects. Maybe all I need to do to focus more on the positives in my life is look at them. In retirement, despite what I may not be able to do or have, I will definitely have more time to do that! A definite POSITIVE!

A Visit

It's always fun to visit the grandchildren, whatever the reason--or for no reason at all. Yesterday I headed out for a short visit, but this time also an opportunity to give Erin & Jeff a chance to get away for a couple of hours (first time since Kayla's birth, I think). All went along fairly smoothly; Kayla (above) played happily on the floor. Of course, 5 minutes later she discovered her parents weren't there, and it was, uh oh, just ME! Not so happy with that arrangement, but she was pretty brave nonetheless. Every time she looked at me, her lower lip would pooch out, and I had to turn her away from me. But I just kept moving and held her facing away from me, watching her brothers, and we did fine. I call Tyler and Jaden Techno-Kids, because it amazes me what they can do with electronics and technology. Tyler loves this Star Wars game on the Wii. I always remember one time I was showing Tyler something on the computer when he was little, maybe two and a half; he put his little hand on the mouse and said, "No, Nam, you have to right click--like this!" Huh?! Are you kidding me?!!!
Jaden was busy on the computer, harvesting crops in the Country Life game on Facebook. He had lots of ideas about how to do it better, what to harvest and what to plant, and what would be a good idea to sell. He is a very competent farmer--computer Facebook farmer at least.

Kayla was the happiest of all when Mommy and Daddy came home! I know any day now she's going to recognize me from one visit to the next and realize I'm one of the good guys too, but for now I think the backwards hold and short babysitting stints are best.

Enough, Already?

I'm thinking, since I haven't posted for two months now, and feel no need to do so now, that it might perhaps be time to put an end to this blog. I kind of just ran out of steam, I guess. There for awhile I felt like there was a lot I wanted to say, and now, well... not so much. Maybe an occasional comment here and there on facebook is enough? That and personal e-mails, which always serve.

Hmmm. I'll have to think about it.

Merry Christmas!

Just some random pics from this Christmas time.

Kayla & Jaden yesterday.

Tyler is meeting Harry Potter this year.

Underlining again! No idea why!

Can you go wrong with little boys and Lincoln Logs? Don't think so.

Their house is perfect for the new Razor scooters the boys got. A long long tile floor. Now let's hope the walls survive!

Tyler worked on his Star Wars Legos project - he told me but I've already forgotten the name of the spaceship he was building. Later the other "boys" got into it as well.

Erin made a batch of her friend Sammy's "pink stuff" -- love it. We also had lots of other goodies -- everyone's favorites: Honey Baked ham, funeral potatoes, sweet potatoes, seven-layer salad, crescent rolls. M-m-m-m-m!

I was unable, for some reason, to get the text next to the pictures when this posted. As I was editing it, everything was right, but when I post, all the text goes to the bottom or top. Don't get it. Anyone know a better blog than blogspot? I'd like to try something else I think.

Merry Christmas to all!

Aaaww, Poor Cocoa!

Poor Cocoa, our almost-13-year-old Cocker Spaniel! He started bleeding from a mass near his tail, probably a few days ago. We noticed some blood spots on the floor (thank goodness for our new tile), but were unable to see a source for it. I thought maybe one of the dogs had a paw injury, but couldn't find anything. Then yesterday I realized that it was definitely from Cocoa, that wherever he sat there was a smear of blood. I started looking closer, and found what looked like a mass right under his tail.

So, we took a trip to the vet this morning, and discussed options for treatment. We had decided to go ahead and have surgery on Monday to remove the mass and have it biopsied. Once we got results from that, we could decide about whether to pursue treatment options beyond that. While we were waiting for the doctor to come back and give us some more information, all of a sudden Cocoa started really bleeding a LOT, just dripping blood all over the floor. So that changed things. Now it had become more of an emergent situation and surgery had to be done today. The only good thing about this was that we were still in the vet's office when this happened; it could have been worse.

So, he had the surgery, and I picked him up a couple hours ago, the poor little thing. He needs to be kept away from our other dog, and he has to wear an "elizabethan collar" to keep him from licking the wound. So we've enclosed him in a little bathroom area off the kitchen, gave him a blanket and his food in there, and are hoping for the best. He is VERY upset, to say the least. Anyone who knows him is aware that he can be extremely vocal about his feelings!

You can see why the collar is difficult. We've never had to do this before, so I'm not sure if there's any way to make it easier. Right now, I don't see one.

He's having a hard time figuring out how to maneuver with it, especially being able to eat and drink. He can manage it, but he has to get the collar positioned just right in order to do it. And now it seems I have another part-time job (as if I needed one), just taking care of his medical needs for the next couple of weeks. Pain pills, stool softener, and antibiotics twice a day, surgical wound care twice a day and as needed, as well as an ointment for his red and irritated eye. I figure I'll be getting up 30 minutes early every day, just in order to get this new routine completed before I go to work!

Here's all the stuff we came home with. Yikes--he has almost as many meds as Jessica! As bad as this seems, I'm reminding myself that it is only temporary, maybe 10 days or so, and if the mass is not malignant he has a good chance to continue on his merry little doggy way for maybe another couple of years. If we don't get a good report from the biopsy, well, it will only have been a few more days, and I guess he deserves that.

UPDATE 11/29:

(Once again, I don't know how or why this is in blue; I can't seem to figure out how to turn it off.)

Well, less than 24 hours into it, I had to take the collar off. Cocoa was going to lose what sanity he has left; he was going absolutely crazy. He was wailing so much that he was getting hoarse, and whipping his head around so much trying to get it off that he probably would do more damage that way. So I took off the collar this morning and he has been very good, doesn't even seem to notice the wound on his behind, hasn't tried to lick it or rub it at all so far. So, so far so good... Now we just wait for biopsy results.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I love love love these kids! I know, I know, what a surprise. I was just looking at a couple pictures from yesterday, and... well, that's what I thought.

The Halloween Queen

Anyone who knows Jessica knows that she loves decorating for the holidays. Her year seems to begin with Halloween, and goes on through to July 4th. (I know you probably think the year begins in January, but you'd be wrong.) It's her "thing." People tease her mercilessly about it (including me), but she doesn't really care. She has her ideas, and one can't dissuade her. Her taste is SO not mine, but in the end it doesn't really matter, and I mostly end up letting her do pretty much whatever she wants to the outside of the house. I try to look at it like this: I don't really see the front of the house all that much; usually I drive right into the garage after work and hardly notice what's out there. And when I do, well, sometimes I cringe, and sometimes I think it's kinda cute. All depends on the holiday, and how far overboard she's gone.
I've also realized, somewhat surprisingly, that I don't really care that much what other people think about it, which is pretty freeing.

I was surprised to discover, when I started this post, that I didn't have more pictures of her at Halloween. These were from 2004 (I think), and 2002. I know there are more, just not sure where.

I realize that sometimes I've been a bit short with her about her compulsion to decorate any and every surface in my home. But I've decided this "new year" to try to be kinder to her about it, to just let her have this one area where she can express herself and have fun. After all, there aren't that many things she can do; I'm determined to try to just be quiet and let her have this. Check back with me at the end of the year in July, and I'll let you know how my plan worked out.

LUCKY GIRL

Kayla is one lucky little girl.

First of all, she has wonderful parents. They can't say that themselves, now can they. That would be a bit immodest, to say the least, and isn't like them at all. But I can say it, and I do.

Second, she has big brothers who are so excited to finally meet her, and who love her and will be excellent examples to her as she grows.

Last, this girl has a fabulous wardrobe! A girl just can't have too much pink!

Sweet Kayla

Kayla is one week old tonight. Here's my favorite picture from the hospital, at less than one day old. Is this not the cutest little face?!