RIP Cocoa (3/1/1997 - 4/24/2011)

Cocoa - then and now. When we first knew him, he was a little bundle of chocolate brown fur, with big brown eyes and a funny personality. Yes, I admit that over the years he developed several irritating qualities and idiosyncrasies (is that appropriate to say about a dog?). But his original and primary job was to provide company, entertainment, and distraction for Jessica while I was working, and he certainly has done that for many years. And in the end, despite all his "issues," we loved him.

Cocoa in his youth--what a handsome guy.

This is a fairly recent shot, showing his old man, gray haired face.

He used to frequently have us laughing hysterically when he was young. We called him the "The Hunter." He would sit and stare at and stalk a yellow tennis ball. It would catch his attention, innocently lying on the floor across the room from him; he would sneak up on it, taking maybe 5-10 minutes to creep his way across a small room. He would inch up to it slowly, stealthily, his whole little body so tense with anticipation we could see him trembling; finally, when he was poised a few inches away, he would pounce on it in triumph, and then go off somewhere and proudly chew on and punish his "kill."

He would do absolutely anything for a Milk Bone "cookie" -- sit up, roll over, speak, turn in circles, etc. etc. Happily do anything! All I had to say was, "Do you want a cookie?" and he would go into his whole repertoire of tricks, sometimes without even being prompted.

It's been a few years since we've seen any of these antics. The last few years he's gone deaf and nearly blind, and it's been a long time since he's been enthralled by a yellow tennis ball. He's seemed content just to get a scratch here and there, an occasional cookie, and a nice soft blanket to curl up on. He's also gotten a bit senile, I think, over the last couple of years, and has been more difficult to live with (who of us is not more difficult to live with as we age?). For instance, whenever he was alone, or thought he was alone, he would start hysterically howling, almost screaming, and would keep that up for a minute or two. (One of my friends, when she heard the howling over the phone, nicknamed him "Psycho Dog.") At first, we could just call to him; he would realize he wasn't alone and would stop. But since he's gone deaf, that wasn't even possible; we had to walk over to him and touch him, and he would calm down. Difficult for us AND our neighbors. But, he was an "old man," as I always said, and we just kind of cut him a break, so to speak, and lived with it.

Not unexpectedly, he's had more medical problems over the last few years as he's aged. And finally they have become too much to manage. As I was driving him to the vet's office this morning, for the final time, I realized that he had indeed fulfilled his role; for 14 years he's been company and good friend to Jessica, which was my goal.

We'll miss you, Cocoa -- you were a good boy.

I Remember This...

I used to love sewing for my girls when they were little. I was never very accomplished, mind you, but fortunately little girls are not very picky, and I felt productive and enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun sewing with my friend Carol. When our girls--Natalie, Sabrina, Jessica & Erin--were small, we used to get together and struggle through sewing little outfits for them. Neither of us was very good, but it was a lot of fun. All of these "girls" are now in their 30's, and all but Jessica are moms themselves now. It has been that long since I've done any sewing at all. It was a long-distant memory, and I never really thought I'd be doing it again. Probably the last time I did any sewing was 1982 or '83. I started school in 1983, and I know for sure I never did anything since then. It was all about school, and then it was all about working and just managing.

So, now that I'm RETIRED, I decided to try it again. I didn't really plan this--just thought about it the other day, and decided to go for it (since I have time, hehehe). And fortunately, I have some little girls to sew for again. And hopefully, they won't be any more picky than my girls were back then. (And maybe this time I'll actually get GOOD at it!) So, I made this little dress for Kayla yesterday. I can tell you that there are LOTS of flaws in it, and I will probably always see them whenever I see the dress, but I think it is pretty cute, and it was relatively easy. Some things seem to have not changed at all--I still an NO good at zippers (if anyone has suggestions for me, feel free). And I discovered that the seam ripper is, indeed, still my best friend. But, all in all, it was fun, and I am definitely going to do more!

So, in answer to the question apparently asked of all newly retired people: NO, I am not worried about being bored!!!

RETIREMENT

I have worked at Foothill Presbyterian Hospital for almost 24 years. I'm retiring this year, and as the day approaches I find I am having very mixed feelings. So many memories. People, situations, problems, difficulty, triumph, sadness, connection, challenge, learning, emotion, loss, growth, sorrow, happiness. And so much more. All tied to FPH in some way or another.

April 1 will be my last day. Just thinking about walking away from there on that last day... I'm not even sure I can describe how I feel about it. That's probably why I'm writing about it--an attempt to process the feelings. I will be having a little farewell that day, and will take lots of pictures throughout this next week. I'll probably do another post after the fact, and will put up those pictures then. But right now, it's just about all these feelings.

I took the job at FPH in 1987, right out of nursing school, mostly because they had a unit dedicated to treating diabetes patients. I interviewed with several other hospitals, but was strongly attracted by the strong diabetes focus at FPH. I felt very passionate about that at the time, and still do, actually. During my nursing school experience, I had seen several "near-miss" incidents at different hospitals, where patients with diabetes were treated in kind of a haphazard way, insulin doses missed or overshot, diagnostic tests scheduled without consideration of medication needs, etc. Jessica had been diabetic for a few years by that time, and I was very sensitive to the needs of diabetes patients I was seeing in various medical and surgical settings. I was horrified by what I saw during school, to be quite honest. I was very attracted by the idea of a unit and a staff who were dedicated to making sure patients with diabetes were treated appropriately in the hospital setting, that hospital administration as well as the nurses who worked there had made a commitment to doing so.

Of course, over the past two decades I have seen many many changes, but I still recall how exciting to me it was to have that brand new job, after the slog through school. To finally feel the security of having that paycheck and mostly knowing that we finally had health insurance. It was an immense relief. After a few years of working, I realized that my real passion was more focused on people's inner, emotional lives than their physical care. I began a long process of more schooling, with a plan to change careers. I was supported in that by so many people, and my schedule was always accommodated; it was difficult, but I always appreciated the flexibility of a nursing schedule that allowed me to pursue other interests and needs.

My friends at FPH have gone through a lot with me. When Jessica had her stroke in '95, they were the ones, mostly, who supported me, got me through it. Many of them also helped me financially during those first few months, when I had to take more time off than I had vacation/sick time to pay for. And they all helped me emotionally. It was wonderful having someone to talk to at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep, worrying about how I was going to manage--a huge night shift bonus is having friends who are awake and don't mind a call.

When Jessica's needs finally made it impossible for me to continue in my second school life, and I realized I was never going to be able to really change careers, it was a huge loss to me; it was largely my friends at FPH who helped me cope, who listened as I cried about my feelings, the finality and enormity of that loss.

When Erin was getting married, those were the friends who gave me ideas and helped me plan how to do things for her wedding. When I was going to be a grandma, they were the friends I talked to about it. They have watched my grandchildren come, and have looked at my endless pictures of them as they've grown. They listen with interest to my grandma stories, as I listen to theirs. Some of them know the kids as well as any family could. Probably because I don't have a huge family of my own, many of these friends have become like family to me, and have beautifully fulfilled that role.

When I had surgery, I was not cared for by just nurses and hospital employees. I was truly taken care of by my friends. There is a lot to be said for knowing that there are people all around you who you absolutely trust to take good care of you.

Of course, as I've aged, the "family" feeling I have for many friends at FPH has changed. Now many of them feel like my children instead of my peers. Because, of course, now many of them are the ages of my own children. I care about many of them like my own children; I want the best for them, have hopes for their lives and their children and their futures.

Part of the tension between looking forward to retirement and having great anxiety about it, I know, is the knowledge that in my ideal world (is there such a thing?) I would still be working another two to three years. I'm working on accepting that I do not live in a perfect world, and I don't get to have what I might want. There are many reasons that this is necessary now, which I won't belabor here. But part of the feeling of loss, I think, is not just related to no longer working; it is accepting that the perfect retirement I'd once imagined is never going to be reality.

So, yes, I have a lot of FEELINGS about leaving FPH. There have, of course, been many changes there over all these years; many people I cared about have left before me, and many new people have come in. A few special ones have become close friends, but mostly I feel the sensation of being more connected to the past than the new. Part of that, I'm sure, is just a natural part of being older. My connections, my memories, are more with the past; that is where my most intense commitments remain. That realization helps me to separate, too. It is, after all, the natural order of things; the old move on and the young take over.

With all of this in mind, I think 4/1 will be a most emotional day, and I doubt that I will get very much actual "work" done at all. I hope that I will be able to express to those certain people how much they've meant to me, without just completely "losing it." I hope to feel a sense of completeness in the transition, a rightness about it all, and not just loss. We shall see...

Pumpkin Patch!

I know I already posted most of these pictures on Facebook, and this might seem a bit redundant. But I still have a few very stubborn non-Facebook friends who wanted to see the pics, and this is the easiest way to do it. I know, I could just show them the actual pictures, but that's just so old school.

Last weekend, I went with Erin and her kids to the pumpkin patch at Live Oak Canyon, near their home. We saw more different varieties of pumpkins and gourds than I even knew existed!Jaden liked these giant "cucumbers."They had these great characters posing all over the place. We thought they were statues at first, until they MOVED! Tyler shook this skeleton's bony hand.Tyler rode this pony, his new friend "Buck."

They both wanted to ride this 4-wheeler train. Looked pretty fun, and rode around the whole farm.
Kayla waited with Erin and me while the boys were riding.
Then we got down to the serious business of picking pumpkins. They both took it VERY seriously.



Even after all that work, we didn't even buy their pumpkins - $65 for four pumpkins seemed a bit steep! It was fun seeing how they grow and picking them out anyway.
I couldn't resist these great sunflowers!

All in all, a fun day!



Happy Fall!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day Jeff. Tyler, Jaden & Kayla are glad you're their dad (and so am I).

Back to Scrapbooking

I'm working on getting back into scrapbooking on a more regular basis, at least once a week. There was a time, a few years ago, that I worked on pages at least 3-4 days a week. Of course, that was when I was working 12-hour shifts 3 days a week, so had LOTS more time off to do whatever I wanted to do, actual leisure time. Now I really feel the constraints of my limited time off, so I've had to work much harder to find time for what I love to do. I've made a commitment, though, that if for no other reason than that I must start using up some of my many many many supplies, I'm going to get back to it. I guess, though, that reason doesn't really fly, since I seem to keep accumulating scrapbooking supplies at a much faster rate than I actually produce any pages. I think I am spurred on by that embarrassing realization as well.

On a more positive note...

Here are the rest of the pictures from the Sena Zimmer sitting in March. I love every one of them, and am no longer so keenly aware of all the great shots we left behind. The ones we got are great, and capture so well this family I love so much.

About $$$

At the outset, I'll warn you that this is going to be somewhat of a rambling post. A stream-of-consciousness sort of thing. I've been thinking a lot about money of late. Partly because I'm thinking about retiring, and that process involves figuring out how to manage the financial part of it. I'm thinking about how this will change my life--mostly in fabulously good ways, but in one big negative way. I'm going to have to resume a way of living that I spent too many years in, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I hope I have the emotional strength, the maturity, to do it gracefully. I know it can be done, as many people do it, but I guess I'm not sure I, myself, have the ability to accomplish it.

Now when you read these words, and see the accompanying pictures, you might wonder what possible connection there is between the two. That's what I meant about rambling. But, trust me, there is a connection. I will try to explain it for you, but mainly I think I'm trying to explain it to myself.

I am fascinated, some might say obsessed, by pictures (it's no coincidence that I have been obsessed with scrapbooking for the last 8-9 years). I love beautiful landscape photos, and am drawn to scenes of garden gates, doorways and windows, homes and cottages. But mostly it's all about pictures of the people I love, especially my children and now, more than anything, my grandchildren.

One of the most profound memories--regrets--I have from the time that my own children were young was that I never had a professional family portrait taken, or even a picture of the children individually or as a group that wasn't taken at Sears or somewhere like that. And almost every one of those Sears portraits has a memory attached to it - myself sitting and choosing that "free 8x10" and agonizing--suffering!--over all the good shots that I had to decline. I could not afford to buy them, and it was almost physically painful to sit there and act like I really didn't like them all that much. It was too hard for me to admit, felt almost shameful to admit, that I just couldn't afford to buy the other poses. (Why it felt actually shameful is probably fodder for more than one therapy session in itself.) More than once I remember taking that free shot, and maybe the barest minimum of an additional package, walking out to my car, and sitting there behind the wheel and crying over it, before I could pull myself together to take my picture and go home.

So, here's the beginning of the connection I'm trying to make here. Last Christmas I found a wonderful photographer in Glendora, Sena Zimmer. My friend Grace had had some family pictures done by her and I'd seen and admired them. I decided to give Erin and Jeff a sitting with Sena as a gift for Christmas. I was thrilled to be able to do it, and honestly (since I am being honest here--what would be the point of this post if I weren't), I think it was more for me than for them. It certainly did fill a need--of mine.

These are some of the photos of the children from that sitting; I was so incredibly happy with the result!

I find, however, as I study these photos, that even long before I do retire and drastically reduce my income, I already regret that I most likely won't be able to do something like this again. This specific thing is not the focus, I guess; I am grateful for this group of photos, but will happily leave it to Erin and Jeff to provide future pictures (luckily Erin likes them as much as I do, and I'm grateful for that). But that train of thought brings to mind what I will be returning to. Once again, as has been the case most of my life, I won't be able to afford things like this. What I'm thinking about, I guess, is what else I may not be able to afford. The last few years I've actually earned what feels like "enough" money, and it has been amazing. It is so incredibly different; I am reminded of this difference, in hundred of little ways, almost on a daily basis. I don't come close to taking it for granted. I guess "enough" money is different for everyone; I am very aware that many many people would find my current income to be extremely limiting and restrictive, while others might feel wildly wealthy. For me, it has just been such a relief to finally feel able to pay bills and have something, anything, left over. Almost every single time I pay a utility bill, for instance, I still recall how humiliating it was to have the phone, gas, or electricity turned off for non-payment--there was a period of several years when that was not an uncommon occurrence. It's not like I dwell on these thoughts excessively, but they do pop up, ever so briefly. Most of all, this relatively new life has meant feeling comfortable enough to afford an occasional extravagance like these professional portraits--at least what feels like an extravagance to me (after all those free 8x10 Sears experiences).

I suppose that someone who has always had enough money (whatever "enough" is for them) probably can never really understand this difference. I'm not always sure that I do, completely. I just know that I wonder how I will cope with going back to where I was for so many years; there is not a little amount of anxiety attached to this. What I hope is that I'm able to focus on what I do have (including especially time, precious time), and not what I don't. Those who know me well know that I am by nature a pessimist; I struggle with this, make every effort to focus on positive things, but recognize that it is always, indeed, a struggle. If there were one thing I could magically change about myself, it would definitely be this. The fact that I've worked on this for almost 20 years, and haven't completely succeeded, tells me that there is no magical change in store. I'm still working on it, though.

Maybe once I do retire and have some more of that precious time available, I'll work on learning to take more professional-looking photos myself! As you can see by these pictures, I certainly have the perfect subjects. Maybe all I need to do to focus more on the positives in my life is look at them. In retirement, despite what I may not be able to do or have, I will definitely have more time to do that! A definite POSITIVE!

A Visit

It's always fun to visit the grandchildren, whatever the reason--or for no reason at all. Yesterday I headed out for a short visit, but this time also an opportunity to give Erin & Jeff a chance to get away for a couple of hours (first time since Kayla's birth, I think). All went along fairly smoothly; Kayla (above) played happily on the floor. Of course, 5 minutes later she discovered her parents weren't there, and it was, uh oh, just ME! Not so happy with that arrangement, but she was pretty brave nonetheless. Every time she looked at me, her lower lip would pooch out, and I had to turn her away from me. But I just kept moving and held her facing away from me, watching her brothers, and we did fine. I call Tyler and Jaden Techno-Kids, because it amazes me what they can do with electronics and technology. Tyler loves this Star Wars game on the Wii. I always remember one time I was showing Tyler something on the computer when he was little, maybe two and a half; he put his little hand on the mouse and said, "No, Nam, you have to right click--like this!" Huh?! Are you kidding me?!!!
Jaden was busy on the computer, harvesting crops in the Country Life game on Facebook. He had lots of ideas about how to do it better, what to harvest and what to plant, and what would be a good idea to sell. He is a very competent farmer--computer Facebook farmer at least.

Kayla was the happiest of all when Mommy and Daddy came home! I know any day now she's going to recognize me from one visit to the next and realize I'm one of the good guys too, but for now I think the backwards hold and short babysitting stints are best.

Enough, Already?

I'm thinking, since I haven't posted for two months now, and feel no need to do so now, that it might perhaps be time to put an end to this blog. I kind of just ran out of steam, I guess. There for awhile I felt like there was a lot I wanted to say, and now, well... not so much. Maybe an occasional comment here and there on facebook is enough? That and personal e-mails, which always serve.

Hmmm. I'll have to think about it.