Memories

I visited Erin, Tyler and Jaden tonight for a couple of hours (I am not ignoring Jeff--he was at work). We had dinner and then just played with the boys. They showed me their new bunkbeds, and we played monster truck crash (or some such thing). Then Erin played their beautiful new piano for me. I was struck by how beautiful and rich it sounded. Maybe it was the echo because the living room is still empty, but it was gorgeous. She played a couple of songs from Les Miserables, and then started playing something from Phantom. It was beautiful, and I was enjoying it. Then I asked her, "Did you buy that book?" (of sheet music). She answered that no, it had been something Jessica used to play.

All of a sudden, and without warning, my eyes were full of tears and I was actually crying (luckily the boys were playing upstairs by then). It just came back to me in such a rush, that yes, Jessica did used to play that very music. Within just a few seconds, everything that she has lost flashed through my mind. It was really quite overwhelming, and definitely surprising. It has been years since I've felt that, at least like that, so intensely. It has been over 13 years since her stroke; I think that I'm used to it. I pretty much don't think about it any more, most of the time, and would say that I'm used to Jessica--as she is now.

But I guess it is there, always, just under the surface, ready to bubble up and surprise me. It makes me feel guilty that I kind of think of her as who she is now, and not who she was, because who she was is the real Jessica (the good and the bad). No one else seems to really know or remember that, it seems, and I feel that I should--that someone should, and that should be me. I know there are no real rules about this kind of thing, but it just feels that at least her mother should remember who she is. Maybe the reason I cried was because I realized that sometimes I forget, and I don't think I should. I don't know.