At the outset, I'll warn you that this is going to be somewhat of a rambling post. A stream-of-consciousness sort of thing. I've been thinking a lot about money of late. Partly because I'm thinking about retiring, and that process involves figuring out how to manage the financial part of it. I'm thinking about how this will change my life--mostly in fabulously good ways, but in one big negative way. I'm going to have to resume a way of living that I spent too many years in, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I hope I have the emotional strength, the maturity, to do it gracefully. I know it can be done, as many people do it, but I guess I'm not sure I, myself, have the ability to accomplish it.
Now when you read these words, and see the accompanying pictures, you might wonder what possible connection there is between the two. That's what I meant about rambling. But, trust me, there is a connection. I will try to explain it for you, but mainly I think I'm trying to explain it to myself.
I am fascinated, some might say obsessed, by pictures (it's no coincidence that I have been obsessed with scrapbooking for the last 8-9 years). I love beautiful landscape photos, and am drawn to scenes of garden gates, doorways and windows, homes and cottages. But mostly it's all about pictures of the people I love, especially my children and now, more than anything, my grandchildren.
One of the most profound memories--regrets--I have from the time that my own children were young was that I never had a professional family portrait taken, or even a picture of the children individually or as a group that wasn't taken at Sears or somewhere like that. And almost every one of those Sears portraits has a memory attached to it - myself sitting and choosing that "free 8x10" and agonizing--suffering!--over all the good shots that I had to decline. I could not afford to buy them, and it was almost physically painful to sit there and act like I really didn't like them all that much. It was too hard for me to admit, felt almost shameful to admit, that I just couldn't afford to buy the other poses. (Why it felt actually shameful is probably fodder for more than one therapy session in itself.) More than once I remember taking that free shot, and maybe the barest minimum of an additional package, walking out to my car, and sitting there behind the wheel and crying over it, before I could pull myself together to take my picture and go home.
So, here's the beginning of the connection I'm trying to make here. Last Christmas I found a wonderful photographer in Glendora, Sena Zimmer. My friend Grace had had some family pictures done by her and I'd seen and admired them. I decided to give Erin and Jeff a sitting with Sena as a gift for Christmas. I was thrilled to be able to do it, and honestly (since I am being honest here--what would be the point of this post if I weren't), I think it was more for me than for them. It certainly did fill a need--of mine.
These are some of the photos of the children from that sitting; I was
so incredibly happy with the result!
I find, however, as I study these photos, that even long before I do retire and drastically reduce my income, I already regret that I most likely won't be able to do something like this again. This specific thing is not the focus, I guess; I am grateful for this group of photos, but will happily leave it to Erin and Jeff to provide future pictures (luckily Erin likes them as much as I do, and I'm grateful for that). But that train of thought brings to mind what I will be returning to. Once again, as has been the case most of my life, I won't be able to afford things like this. What I'm thinking about, I guess, is what else I may not be able to afford. The last few years I've actually earned what feels like "enough" money, and it has been amazing. It is so incredibly different; I am reminded of this difference, in hundred of little ways, almost on a daily basis. I don't come close to taking it for granted. I guess "enough" money is different for everyone; I am very aware that many many people would find my current income to be extremely limiting and restrictive, while others might feel wildly wealthy. For me, it has just been such a relief to finally feel able to pay bills and have something, anything, left over. Almost every single time I pay a utility bill, for instance, I still recall how humiliating it was to have the phone, gas, or electricity turned off for non-payment--there was a period of several years when that was not an uncommon occurrence. It's not like I dwell on these thoughts excessively, but they do pop up, ever so briefly. Most of all, this relatively new life has meant feeling comfortable enough to afford an occasional extravagance like these professional portraits--at least what feels like an extravagance to me (after all those free 8x10 Sears experiences).
I suppose that someone who has always had enough money (whatever "enough" is for them) probably can never really understand this difference. I'm not always sure that I do, completely. I just know that I wonder how I will cope with going back to where I was for so many years; there is not a little amount of anxiety attached to this. What I hope is that I'm able to focus on what I do have (including especially time, precious time), and not what I don't. Those who know me well know that I am by nature a pessimist; I struggle with this, make every effort to focus on positive things, but recognize that it is always, indeed, a struggle. If there were one thing I could magically change about myself, it would definitely be this. The fact that I've worked on this for almost 20 years, and haven't completely succeeded, tells me that there is no magical change in store. I'm still working on it, though.
Maybe once I do retire and have some more of that precious time available, I'll work on learning to take more professional-looking photos myself! As you can see by these pictures, I certainly have the perfect subjects. Maybe all I need to do to focus more on the positives in my life is look at them. In retirement, despite what I may not be able to do or have, I will definitely have more time to do that! A definite POSITIVE!
Jaden liked these giant "cucumbers."
They had these great characters posing all over the place. We thought they were statues at first, until they MOVED! Tyler shook this skeleton's bony hand.
Tyler rode this pony, his new friend "Buck."
They both wanted to ride this 4-wheeler train. Looked pretty fun, and rode around the whole farm. 
Kayla waited with Erin and me while the boys were riding.
Then we got down to the serious business of picking pumpkins. They both took it VERY seriously.
Even after all that work, we didn't even buy their pumpkins - $65 for four pumpkins seemed a bit steep! It was fun seeing how they grow and picking them out anyway.
I couldn't resist these great sunflowers!
All in all, a fun day!
Happy Fall!
Jaden liked these giant "cucumbers."
They had these great characters posing all over the place. We thought they were statues at first, until they MOVED! Tyler shook this skeleton's bony hand.
Tyler rode this pony, his new friend "Buck."
They both wanted to ride this 4-wheeler train. Looked pretty fun, and rode around the whole farm. 
Kayla waited with Erin and me while the boys were riding.
Then we got down to the serious business of picking pumpkins. They both took it VERY seriously.
Even after all that work, we didn't even buy their pumpkins - $65 for four pumpkins seemed a bit steep! It was fun seeing how they grow and picking them out anyway.
I couldn't resist these great sunflowers!
All in all, a fun day!
Happy Fall!
I
