Mildred's Sunshine

I was my grandmother's first grandchild (gotta love those bangs!), and I was pretty much the apple of her eye. I never understood that, when I was young, and even after I had children of my own. My parents weren't the kind who cherished their children, and I'm not sure parents can even really do that, at least not the way grandparents can. Maybe some can, but mine certainly didn't, so couldn't model that for me. And although I'm sure she had not been like that with her own children, she sure did cherish me. My grandma was only 39 when I was born--I can't even imagine that (I was 54 when Tyler was born). Everything, absolutely everything, they tell you about how you're going to feel about your grandchildren is true--and then some. And to my great benefit, my grandmother felt it for me. It is another of the bonds I feel with her, this cherishing of grandchildren, that I know my mother never felt, was not even capable of feeling, apparently.

I've been thinking about my grandmother at this time of year, as I always do at New Years. New Year's Eve was her parents' wedding anniversary, and it was always a very meaningful time for her. As I think about her, what I remember most is how she felt about me, and what a unique relationship I had with her. No one else in my life came close to having the positive impact on me that she did. No one else loved me like she did, plain and simple. There were many ways in which her love was problematic, especially as I got older, but the important thing is this--I am sure that her open adoration of me when I was young is what saved me. Because of her, I knew there was someone, some one, to whom I was critically important. My parents were quite dysfunctional, as individuals and certainly as parents, and very absorbed by their own problems; they loved me, but only in their limited way. My only uncle, although I'm sure he loved me too, could be sarcastic, and was scary in some ways. Yes, my grandma was unique in my life, and I'm grateful to her. With the births of my own grandchildren Tyler and Jaden, I understand something else about her; I finally understand exactly how she felt about me. I pray that I can have the positive impact in their lives that she had in mine.

She frequently sang "You Are My Sunshine" to me; it was "our song." I knew for sure that I was indeed like the sun's shine to her. When I got older, I even felt guilty about how much more she loved me than my sister and my three cousins. I was her first, and I think I retained that unique place in her heart for the rest of her life. I can look at it as an adult and see how immature of her, in a way, it was that she couldn't open her heart to her other grandchildren to the same degree she did for me, and certainly how unfair to them that was. It was especially hurtful, I think, to my sister, because she didn't have parents who could buffer Grandma's obvious preference for me. But as a young child, as the little girl in this picture, all I could do was bask in the glow of her love. As I said, it saved me.